We are about one year in our new flat and are redecorating it again. I have this thing about changing my decor ever so often. i think it has to do with energy levels or something. My wife has stopped commenting. I have repainted the house three times in one year. We had a fire in a flat above us in April and the firemen really flooded the house, is that not enough reason to repaint?
Anyway, there we were at the Dulux Color Center on Aboyade Cole, VI to buy paint and the nice Sales lady brought out a catalog and she and my wife had a small 'Beijing Conference' while I watched. Mind you, I had the colors I wanted in mind but you know this thing about women and colors. Eventually, they emerged with a verdict. For my son's room, they chose 'Valentine Pink'. I mean, I've heard of Fushcia Pink, BabyPink, Powder Pink, Ne-ne-ne Pink but Valentine Pink? Gimme a break!
Question: Bia Nimmo, what do you have a problem with? The Valentine or the Pink?
Answer: The Valentine.
I know most people have fond memories of Valentine's Day but not me. I have had my share of good and bad Valentines but I sincerely have stopped looking forward to it. Not in a very long while. I have so many Valentine stories but let me just share this one and they all revolve around the theme 'Woman's Inhumanity to Man'. Ironically, it didnt happen to me.
This happened in UNIBEN. Valentine 88 or 89, cant remember but it was reported in Kampuswatch magazine (does it still exist?). The story went thus:
There was a guy called Prince. I dont know if Prince was his first name or if he was a prince. (The way every other Bini man claims to be a prince, makes you wonder how many ruling houses they have in Benin.) Anyway, Prince had a babe we will call O'Baby (Not her real name of course).
It was Val's Day and people were just chilling particularly around the Hall One Car park. Guys in their best and Roasters like us going to class to do what our parents sent us to do in school. It was that bad, I no even get babe.
Suddenly Prince emerges with a giant pink teddy bear. You know the type about 3 feet high with 'Hug Me' or 'I love You' written across the front. Come and see commotion. Guys and babes alike were just 'oohing' and 'aaahing'. I know many guys would have turned back with their miserly Val cards they were probably taking to a babe at that time.
Na so Prince walked triumphantly with his 'burden of love' up to O'Baby's room cheered on by the crowd. The world loves lovers, y'know. It was sensational! For the whole week, everybody talked about it on campus. Then came the bombshell.
After just one week of Valentine bliss. O'Baby dumped Prince! Just ONE week! That set up another buzz. Another sensation. And one would have though that they would find a way to patch it up or something but no way o.
I mean, the laws of res judicata and all the emotional estoppels demand that O'Baby should make restitution by at least returning the teddy to Prince abi? (OK. I'm not a lawyer but some Law students actually argued this). For where? O'Baby no gree o. In fact, she not only NOT return the teddy, she then went ahead to name it PRINCE!
O'Baby was C-R-U-E-L!
Moral of the story:
Never, ever buy a teddy bear for a babe. It may replace you.
This joke has probably been on the Internet like forever but its just what I'm talking about.
For the final test, the FBI agent took the first male applicant to a large, metal door and handed him a gun.
The Instructor said, “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!”
The Instructor said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second male applicant was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,
“I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The Instructor said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the female applicant’s turn. She was given the same instructions-to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, panting. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
“This stupid gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”