Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Then & Now

As any fan knows, most Nollywood movies are not complete without the mandatory scene involving a visit to the babalawo or dibia or pastor or alfa or some form of spiritualist or the other for help or for resolution of the plot. Usually, the plot has been so twisted that even the writers do not have a way to unravel it so they resort to 'deo machina' (hand of god) for resolution.

However, if the stories I heard recently are anything to go by, then Nollywood must be very far behind in its depiction of these native doctors in the movies. Nowadays, native doctors have gone nuclear. take a typical scene:

THEN
Client (highly agitated): Ha! Baba please help us o.
Baba Faleti: My child, talk to Ifa and explain yourself.
Client brings out a twenty Naira note and whispers inaudibly into it, then places it onto a wooden stauette or some other receptacle provided.
Baba Faleti: (after some long incantations and gibberish): I have spoken to the gods on your behalf and the gods have agreed to help you. You have to carry out a sacrifice. For the sacrifice, you will bring one big white ram, the shell of a tortoise, one keg of palm oil, four yards of white cloth, four cockerels, three pieces of chalk, four kegs of palm wine and forty Naira. If you can bring these items, then all your problems are over.
Client: Is that all Baba?
Baba Ifaleti: Yes, that is all. Unless you have anything else for Ifa.

Client will bring out a two hundred Naira note and promises to bring the items for the sacrifice the next day.

NOW
Client: Ha! Baba, please help us o!
Baba Ifatomoscores: My child, Ifa knows everything but have you seen Ifamuyiwa to pay for Consultation? It's only twenty thousand Naira. If you dont have cash, there's an ATM across the road.
Client: Baba, we have paid for Consultation o. Please help us, my daughter's marriage is in trouble, serious trouble. Her husband is sleeping with the househelp and wants to marry her. We want you to do it so that her husband does not look at another woman again lai lai.
Baba Ifatomoscores: (after some incantations and gibberish). My child that is a small problem for Ifa. Don't worry, now that you have come to see Ifa, all your problems are over. Which bank do you use?
Client: I use Fortunate Bank Baba.
Baba Ifatomoscores: (hands over a piece of paper): Ifamuyiwa will give you an invoice for one hundred and sixty five thousand Naira. Just go and pay into this account. Come back here with the payment slip tomorrow and all your prayers will be answered.

9 comments:

Fluffycutething said...

That was hilarious...

What i find just as amusing is the home(mostly living room) furnishings of these modern babas(i.e pastors,native doctors, babalawos, alfas etc). They've even gone as far as having leather seats...

Just imagine

Such lucrative businesses they must be running!!!

9ja_Kuti said...

lmao, ifatomoscores. soon they be faxing/emailing/texting in requests. what can i say, sign of the times.

NoLimit said...

lol!!!
I can't even argue with this analysis!

Vera Ezimora said...

Does this have anything 2 do with the Nollywood flick, "The Last Messiah" featuring Nkem Owoh (Osuofia)? Watched it last night and couldn't stop laughing. He was the dibia and he said the shrine was civilized and psychedelic. He charged N20, 000 for consultation. He also ate Mr. Biggs & Tantalizers instead of kolanuts.... because as you know, the shrine is now civilized. LOL.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

hahahaha

Reminds me of a joke Sunny Ade cracked at a recent concert in Washington, D.C. where he told the crowd to feel free to pass over their credit cards in appreciation. It was a funny joke that I obviously can't retell as well as Kabiyesi himself. =)


NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE...

LusciousRon said...

Ifatomoscores indeed!

Buttercup said...

Hahahaha! Hilarious..

ablackjamesbond said...

lol...
Baba Ifatomoscores...hilarious!

Been good my brother, how u dey?

N.I.M.M.O said...

@ALL: Many thanks for your comments. I must apologize for the lateness though.

Got to do something about this Chinese Anon don't I?

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