N.I.M.M.O

UN-JOS-TIFIABLE

2010-03-22T18:19:00.003+01:00

Jos. Still on my mind.

Just today, the Police has finally been able to draw up a list of 162 people to prosecute for the massacres in Jos. What I find most interesting are the offenses for which the suspects are being 'prosecuted'.

- 41 suspects are to be charged with terrorism and culpable homicide, punishable by death'

- 82 would be charged with unlawful possession of firearms, rioting and "mischief by fire"

Terrorism? Culpable homicide ? Pray, how many will be charged with 'Murder'? None.

'Mischief by fire'; is that the same as arson? Maybe not.

No wonder nobody seems interested in the trials, if ever they actually take place. From the onset, we have refused to call a crime by its name; we glorify criminals and call them 'muslims' or 'christians'.

I am not sure if we have learned anything from all these killings and a people who would not learn from their history, are bound to repeat.

Will we ever forget what happened in Jos? Unfortunately, yes. Sooner than later, we will.

Did we not forget Ife/Modakeke? Aguleri/Umuleri? and the many wars of the Ijaw/Itsekiri/Urhobo?

Cunning Man Die ...

2010-02-10T12:26:00.004+01:00

For Nigeria and Nigerians, these are very interesting times.

With a president who has been AWOL for almost 80 days and a clique of hangers-on who have decided NOT to do the right things even when the right things are as simple as writing a letter (or a communication) to the Senate President. Things had got so heated up that people were afraid of a breakdown of law and order and probably a breakup of Nigeria.

It is true that we take Nigeria's resilience for granted and we subject her to all kinds of pummeling but then if such be the path of our nation-building, then so be it. We are still a country trying to become a nation. Nigeria will definitely outlive all of us. In fact, I am not afraid for Nigeria, it is Nigerians I pity.

I have come to know enough of Nigeria to know that it will take more than Turai Yar'adua and her band of hangers-on to bring this country to her knees. Their game was so obvious even to a child right from the onset, what remained to be seen was how Nigerians would react to it.

We were not voted the happiest people on earth for nothing. We have learned the art of meeting our challenges with humor. The latest one was even very funny. It was like a game of draughts. For most of January the clique reacted to every single act of the Nigerian people:

- Every time Nigerians vowed to go to Court: Aondoakaa went to Court. The same court, mind you and gets the same judgment over and over again in such record time.

- When newspapers reported that Yar'adua was either dead or brain damaged, the next day, he gave an interview to the BBC Hausa Service in English.

Now, that interview has become their undoing. I remember that when he asked why the President would give an interview in English to an Hausa station, Aondoakaa said the transmission was meant for all Nigerians and not just Hausa speakers.

I agree that what we have is a political resolution and may not be the actual end of this logjam as it presents its own challenges. For instance, by this resolution - if we accept it for arguments sake - Nigeria now has two Presidents -though one is acting. Yar'adua never left power and Goodluck should be very careful what actions he takes. If he tries to remove Aondoakaa, Kaase will go to Court. Remember he was the one who got the spurious judgments from Abutu in the first place. All the same it is a step forward.

Now that the National House of Assembly has adopted the BBC interview as direct transmission by the President to it, I wonder how Aondoakaa will wiggle out of this.

Some lawyers have contended that an interview in which the President clearly declared that he was not well and fit enough to carry out his duties was not equal to a letter written to the Senate President.

That the interview was not authored by the President but rather by the BBC which is not even a Nigerian medium.
That the mode of transmission was not directly to the Senate President but rather a broadcast to the whole world.
That the Constitution (s. 145) clearly states that the transmission must be written because it says 'writes' and besides, it was not signed by Yar'adua.

These might be true, but the Senate (and some other lawyers) responded that:

We all know that Presidents don't usually write or type letters; they get some Secretary to do it and if they feel strongly enough they may actually dictate the letter to the Secretary who transcribes the dictation and it is the final transcript that is transmitted to the Senate President. We all know that the paper (medium) on which the letter is written is not likely be made in Nigeria.
The Senate president is part of the whole world and has decided to accept the interview as a direct transmission to himself. The messenger is not important, as long as he gets the message abi?
The BBC interview has been transcribed and published on the BBC website with the express permission of the President who has not come out to deny any part of the publication besides, the Constitution did not require any signature on the document.

We can even go further to say that the President's voice signature was all over the transmission, unless of course, Aondoakaa can prove that it was not the President's voice on BBC.

That will take us back to square one.

See? Cunning man die, cunning man bury am.

The Code Of Silence

2010-01-12T13:23:00.007+01:00

The silence surrounding the state of being of President Umaru Musa Yar'Adua is deafening.

Nobody seems to know exactly what is happening with/to him right now.

Well, they know but nobody wants to get the 'Baba Gana Kingibe' Treatment.

Remember the former Secretary to the Government of the Federation and the circumstance of his sack? He had announced the demise of his principal, only for the man to miraculously wake up a few hours later (after some serious prayers) and sack him - some say with the promptings of the First lady. Understandably.

So here we are again at the same pass. And yet again, we expect a miracle.

But this time, there is a code of silence in force. From the VP, to the Ministers, to the cleaners in Aso rock, the answer to every question is: Let us pray for the President to recover quickly.

Let us believe the best.

Myth #2: It Takes Two (Fair Is Fair!)

2009-11-29T22:28:00.005+01:00

"Every marriage tends to consist of an aristocrat and a peasant."
- John Updike

Not everyone will marry. That's a fact we must learn to live with.

If you are one person with a rather acute sense of fairness and equality, the institution of marriage might just not be for you; unless you are prepared to chuck some of those ideals out the windows. Marriage, by its very nature is steeped in inequalities. In fact, that's what makes marriage unique.

A marriage is not a partnership, it is a union.

That is why the very idea of a pre-nuptial agreement totally negates the idea of marriage. Unless of course its a business arrangement.

Someone once defined a marriage as like the relationship between a statue and a pigeon. The pigeon perches on the statue and shits on it and what not; the statue does not seem to complain -at least not openly. If you are in a marriage, on some days you are the pigeon, on some other days you are the statue. Live with it.

It is not possible for two people to love each other equally, one must love the other more -at different times in the life of the relationship. Whatever the reasons for getting married, of necessity, one must need the other more.

A clergyman friend of mine once told me this: It does not take two people to make a marriage work, success in marriage depends on the 'Power of One'. At any point in a successful marriage, one person is giving more, doing more, being more for both of them but because of the deliberate opacity of marriage, people on the outside do not usually see this.

Examples abound of this for me and I believe you have a few examples of your own too.

My friend Chinedu works in telecoms with an annual salary of about N4m, his wife Amarachi works in a bank with take home close to N3m per annum. They are from similar family backgrounds, children of retired civil servants. They have two beautiful children.

Nedu and I have been friends like forever; our families are like 5 and 6. I know that he pays the rent, the children's school fees and other fees around the house including feeding money. His siblings go to public schools - his kid sister is in LASU while the brother is in secondary school. Nedu pays their fees too because his parents are retired.

Sometime in 2006, Nedu's mum had to queue in the sun at LASUTH, Ikeja in order to get the free eye surgery for cataract removal sponsored by the government of Bola Tinubu, she also got a free pair of glasses. I know these because I drove her there.

Amara's brother is in Covenant University and she pays the fees. Her two sisters are in private secondary schools. Sometime last year, her employers sponsored a vacation for the famly in the UK. She went with her Dad and the children. Her Dad actually went for a comprehensive medical check-up in London and was treated for some minor ailments while there. Amara paid for it.

For some time, I used to think that the marriage was not fair to my friend. Until one day it hit me, Nedu had never complained to me! For as long he was happy in his marriage whatever the configuration, it was not any of my business.

Marriage is an eternal work-in-progress, a perpetual balancing act.

Marriages fail when one person decides that its not worth it anymore.

Myth #1: Its All About You!

2009-11-23T11:40:00.006+01:00

"When the one man loves the one woman and the one woman loves the one man, the very angels desert heaven and come and sit in the house and sing for joy." - Brahma Sutra

People get married for so many reasons.

Some marry for love. Some marry for money. Some marry for security. Some marry for comfort. Some marry for positioning. Some marry for the baby. Some even marry for the wedding.

Usually, we all have our idea of a dream marriage (or dream wedding) and this idea/wish forms the basis of our 'reasons' for getting married but we mostly keep our 'reasons' to ourselves. We play our games right up until the wedding (or after) without the other person suspecting a thing. Then we settle down to 'live the dream'.

Problem is: We expect the other person to fit perfectly into our dream. And they don't. Then we get mad and wonder if we married the wrong person. Truth is, we married the right person for our 'reasons'. But then, our 'reasons' may have changed.

After all, he still owns that same airline and earns that same fantastic income as when you were courting and it fitted right into your 'reasons'. She's still the Most Beautiful Girl in Nigeria 1974 and she still earns good money from endorsements. She's still the daughter of Lord Rumblesbottom with all her Dad's connections. Besides, the PT stick still shows positive.

Nothing has really changed. Or has it? For one, you are now Mrs. Rumblesbottom-Ugbodikoko. But the change is more than in the name.

At the point you get married, everything changes. It is so subtle and you might have missed it but it happened. You may wake up to it the morning after or a year later, but it happened.

Since I came to this realization, I have watched wedding officiators try to explain something to the couples they wed. They try to tell them about the 'Divine Equation'; some times they fumble IMO and even when they get it right, the couples just don't get it.

The Divine Equation can be expressed as 1+1=1. Simple, abi?

I have seen some Pastors using the 'leave to cleave' passage from Genesis to explain this. Some have even used it to justify their arguments against hyphenated surnames - since they are supposed to become the mythical 'one'.

I don't want to go spiritual here but let me just say that the Divine Equation states that at the point of marriage between two people (usually a man and a woman), a third entity is formed. That entity is the Marriage.

From the moment they are married, the Marriage takes precedence over and above the constituent parts. It really does not matter who or what you were before, when you marry, you work at the Marriage. People shouldn't see you any longer rather they should see the Marriage.

People - especially Africans - will stop asking about your job, car or house once you are married. After 'How are you?' they ask about your spouse or the children. From then on it is about the Marriage. Remember, 1+1=1.

Does this mean that you lose your self in marriage? No. It means you are willing to submit of yourself in marriage. Remember, all former documents remain valid.

Some people say marriage is sacrifice. I don't agree wholly. Sacrifice can be forced. You can be made to sacrifice even against your will. Marriage is about submission. Its about what you are willing to give; about acceptance from the power of choice not a resignation from powerlessness.

The Marriage is only as strong as what both parties in it are willing to submit. If either or both gives 0.9 then it can't be 1+1=1. If he has $1 billion but is only willing to submit $900 million to the Marriage, beware. If she starts giving you conditions before she can be called Mrs. Rumblesbottom-Ugbodikoko, beware.

Think about the most successful marriages you know and try to decipher what either party in the marriage is doing to make the marriage work. If you can, then the marriage is not as strong as it appears. When a marriage is successful, it looks effortless. Its like they are doing nothing.

In reality, they are doing nothing. The Marriage they have built does it all for them.

It is really not about you. Neither is it about you too. Its about the Marriage.

Live with it.

The Six Myths About Marriage

2009-11-16T18:10:00.006+01:00

"A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries."

Yes, I still have Laspapi's Tarzan Monologues on my mind.

The same weekend that my uncle was celebrating his fortieth wedding anniversary was also our own fifth wedding anniversary. Expectedly, my wife and I had several interesting discussions on what we will do to make it to forty. We concluded that it was best to just live it one day at a time.

I do some work with an NGO as a sort of relationship advisor. In the course of my duties, I usually meet with couples - both married and intending to marry. Most of the time I just listen and you will be amazed at the kind of things that people say they go through in their relationships. I have discovered that most people have created myths about the institution of marriage.

Most of these myths are based on misinformation. Misinformation fuelled by wrong attitudes.

Most of these misinformation unfortunately come from so called 'experts' and contained in books and magazines. For the wrong attitudes, I hold magazines like Cosmo responsible. And some of our 'Singles & Married' pastors. Some of them just don't have a clue.

Most of these myths are about the other sex. Myths about Men or Women in marriage. If these were all, there really wont have been much problems but sometimes, people have created myths about marriage itself.

I have tried to compile some that I have discovered both in the course of my own marriage and from listening to others. Some of them I had myself going into marriage but I believe I am wiser now.

I do not claim to know it all. After all, I am still married. And still learning. Please feel free to disagree with me.

These myths are about the Who, What, When, Why and How of marriage. The sixth myth I am still trying to grapple with. Here's hoping we will unravel it together in the next six weeks.

Happy Married Life!

2009-11-03T16:02:00.005+01:00

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
-Rodney Dangerfield

I was at a recently married friend's place over the weekend and they were obviously still in their post-honeymoon daze. Everywhere in the house was littered with photographs, cards and gifts -opened and unopened. Since most of the gifts were wall-clocks anyway, the couple decided to stop opening until probably later.

I also noticed so many cards, many wishing them a happy married life.

How would you describe a Happy Married Life? Is there really anything like a happy married life?

Or is it as my good friend Abadingo said, that the words 'happy' and 'married' cannot exist in the same sentence? You are either happy or you are married. They are mutually exclusive.

I told about an uncle who recently celebrated his fortieth wedding anniversary. I went to see him during the week. I looked at their wedding picture again, he was a young man of 23, recently graduated from university and just got a job. She was a wide eyed, very pregnant woman of 20, recently qualified as a teacher.

I couldn't help but ask him if he had thought about what they would be doing in forty years time. He did not. Remember that this was in the middle of the Nigerian Civil war. They were afraid but they lived everyday as it came.

So I asked him: Has he had a happy married life?

He answered emphatically in the affirmative. I wonder can he be for real?

What do you think?

Me, Tarzan

2009-10-26T20:43:00.002+01:00

So I finally went to the Theater@Terra with Madam to see the Tarzan Monologues.

Yeah, I know. The whole world and his wife had already seen it.

We were probably the last couple in. We had to attend an Uncle's 40th wedding anniversary (yes 4-zero) and thus missed the 3 o'clock show. We barely made the 6 o'clock.

I finally saw Laspapi. No, I did not get to meet him. He was just too busy. I think the guy took on too many roles.

Writer, Producer, Director, Ticket seller, Ticket puncher, Doorman, Compere, Show Opener, Show Closer. etc etc etc. I know the budget was tight but there must have been other guys who could do other things.

But the show must go on.

The show itself was superb. I cannot now say whether it was superb acting or superb directing. I think all the actors gave a good account of themselves. But then, the play itself was very well written. An actor's delight, you might call it. Allowed them a lot of freedom to express themselves.

All the monologues were well delivered.

One question. Why Tarzan Monologues? Why not Penis Monologues? Or just P-Monologues? Like the female version.

Why Jack Gowon's Mother? Why not Yakubu Gowon's Mother? Most Nigerians don't know him as Jack. Maybe this was written for a British audience. Maybe.

And the 6 Myths About Marriage , Madam would not let me hear the last of them. Particularly the 6th one.

We got home quite late last night. We went elsewhere after the Monologues.

My mother was with us. She had come for her brother's wedding anniversary. And she asked me. Remember, there were two of us who came home late but she asked me:

N'ibo n'iwo ti n'bo l'oru yi? (Where are you coming from this night?)

In my own house?!!!!

Why Do Women Have Sex?

2009-10-16T11:48:00.004+01:00

Simple question, right?

Wrong.

Even in a study conducted by women on women, it still comes out that no one but NO ONE can understand women.

In the online survey of 1,000 women aged from 18 to 87 by Meston and Buss, as reported by Deborah Kotz in the USNews, you would have expected to get simple straight forward answers like for procreation, or for pleasure but the number one reason women have sex is ... wait for it ...... because they are attracted to their partners!

What has attraction got to do with anything? Hey, what do I know, I'm just a man abi? Lower down the list were reasons connected with love and emotional bonding.

There were other reasons too:
- to bring them closer to God. Really?!
- to get back at partners who weren't faithful by having sex with someone else.
- Competition 'Gotcha' sex: who gets him first!
- to get another notch on their belt, which we typically think of as something men do.
- to get rid of their virginity. O m'eziokwu!
- Sympathy sex" because they felt sorry for their mate. The poor guy will NEVER hear the last of it.
- Economic Exchange sex to land a job or promotion or to get money or drugs. OK.OK.OK.

But you will not believe that after all these confessions and enlightening revelations, the authors still arrived at some very strange conclusions like
" .... we see that men are still more likely to engage in uncommitted sex, like one-night stands .. "
"... more women still make the connection between love and sex..."
"... men are definitely more willing to have sex because of physical attraction ...". W-h-h-a-a-a-a-a-t?!!!

Anyway, was it not a woman who said that men are dogs because they sleep around. As if they sleep with goats.

And this lie that women make the connection between love and sex should stop o. If this were so, why do men fall in love with prostitutes? Hello, Pretty Woman!

Maybe Nkrumah Was Right

2009-10-05T16:46:00.004+01:00

I had wanted to post this on Nigeria's independence day but somehow work got in the way and I could not.

Monday 21st September 2009 marked the centenary of the birth of Osagyefo Kwame Nkrumah and the government of the Republic of Ghana actually declared a year-long celebration culminating on the anniversary of the birthday of its first Prime Minister and President.

The more I read about this remarkable African, the more I appreciated why Ghanaians celebrated him thus.

I got an audio copy of Nkrumah's 'Africa Must Unite' speech at the founding of the Organization of African Unity in Addis Ababa 1963 and I could not but marvel at the profundity of his vision. His vision, as expounded at the summit was obviously very far ahead of his time. Also, his speech at the United Nations in 1960 was a masterpiece in all respects and must have been seen as a sort of 'bring-it-on' by the Western powers at that time.

As a Pan Africanist and leader of an independent Ghana - Africa's first independent nation - Nkrumah's major preoccupation was to encourage the other African countries to continue to demand for independence and he did this with a swagger that was infuriating to the colonial powers, particularly France which did not seem to have had any plans to leave its African colonies - even till today.

Nkrumah looked to Nigeria even at that time to become an African regional power given its sheer size and resource wealth but the Nigerian leaders at that time were very suspicious of his intentions and also of themselves.

Zik, his fellow Lincoln University alumnus and Pan-Africanist, had found himself in the position of a ceremonial President that was powerless and limiting while Awolowo appeared content just playing his politics locally.

As far as the pan-africanist agenda was concerned, Nigeria was of no use. Of all his seminal speeches however, the singular statement that Nkrumah made that was of significance to the Nigerian government of Prime Minister Tafawa Balewa and most Nigerians of that time was the one about Nigeria being ' ... big for nothing ..'

Domestically, Nkrumah ran a unitary government in Ghana in spite of it being composed of up to fifty different ethnic nationalities. He believed more in a federal Africa with the countries as the federating units than in a country with federating units. He practically forced Ghanaians to inter-marry and live outside their native environments.

Achievements were purely on merit. The whole of Ghana competed with itself. No 'local champions'. No 'catchment area'. No 'quota system'. His style of government is credited in part for the unity among Ghanaians till today.

Comparing all these with Nigeria, I just could not help but wonder where we got it wrong.

I could not help but think; Maybe this federalism is just over-hyped after all.

Maybe Nkrumah was right after all.

Maybe Nigeria is just big for nothing.

Ponmo, My Foot!

2009-09-23T20:30:00.004+01:00

I was in Abuja recently and happened to walk behind a couple who were obviously not residents. Like all visitors, we were just going round the shops looking for somethings to buy as a memento of our visit to the nation's capital. From their conversations, I reckioned they were Yoruba.

After some time, we chanced upon a leather shop with all kinds of leather sandals, shoes, wallets and something that looked like thongs. Faced with such an array of choice of leather ware, the woman could not but exclaim, in Yoruba.

'Ha! Awon Hausa yi ma ni bata orisirisi o!

(These Hausa people have so many types of shoes o)

To which the husband replied sarcastically and rather self derisively:

'Eyin Yoruba o ni bata. Nigba'to je pe gbogbo awo yin le ti je tan ni ponmo. E wa ma wo roba kiri abi ke ma wa Italian leda l'Aba'

(You Yoruba people cannot have shoes, when you have eaten all your leather as ponmo. That's why you wear rubber sandals about and look for 'Italian' leather in Aba).

Ouch!

I couldn't help but laugh particularly as the man with his bald head and full tribal marks was really putting on a show to everybody's delight.

With the number of cows, rams and goats slaughtered daily in Lagos alone, the hides and skin industry should be booming seriously. In fact we should be exporting leather but unfortunately, we eat more than 95% of all the hides generated. Given that ponmo actually contains little or no nutritional value known to man, it is a mystery why Lagosians (not just Yorubas) savor it so much. It is like a Lagosian's meal is not complete without some ponmo on top.

Did you hear about the Yoruba man who was invited to Buckingham Palace as a guest of the Queen for whatever. After the dinner in his honour, my country man was asked to give a vote of thanks. he thanksed the Queen profusely for the honour done him and went ahead to comment on the meal itself. He said:

'It would have been a sumptuous meal but unfortunately there was no ponmo!'

What exactly makes ponmo a delicacy? Anybody knows?

The Message

2009-09-02T12:47:00.001+01:00

Read the message and stop eyeing the Messenger!

That's What She Said!

2009-08-25T16:53:00.005+01:00

The last two posts have been about a little problem I had to help a couple deal with but the variety of responses to it has been interesting to say the least. And it seems to get more interesting by the day.

Let me also state here that there was no issue of breaking the relationship or calling off the wedding or such. I sincerely don't know if I gave that impression anywhere. We are trying to find a solution and you guys were already calling it off. Haba!

I have known the couple in question for quite a while and though I cannot say that I introduced them to each other, I have been quite close to them and know a little about the relationship. I have been like an Egbon to both parties and that was why they brought the matter to me.

Moreover, the Boss in the story is an acquaintance of mine and I am certain there is nothing going on between him and the subordinate. While he is not a saint, he operates on the maxim that 'elephants don't eat the grass under them'. If you know what I mean.

Definitive said:

"I think the main issue here is her fiancee OFFERED to come pick her up, but she PREFERRED to go with her boss, especially [when] she knew her relationship with her boss was already suspect, I definitely think she said the wrong thing. She should try and talk to her fiancee and sort things out. More like ask someone whom he respects to talk to him on her behalf".

Men are such jealous animals. She wounded his ego and that was his way of getting his pound of flesh. Anyway, that was my conclusions and the basis of my counsel. Thanks Definitive.

TemmyTayo also said:

" ... My yoruba is not perfect so I sometimes get into trouble with my husband too. But well, he trusts me. So when I say rubbish he gently reminds me how many meanings people can read into what i have said... "

It is actually more common than we want to admit particularly with couples who do not speak the have the same proficiency in the mother tongue. My wife speaks Yoruba very well but sometimes, I cringe at some things she says in Yoruba.

Several years ago, the then Bendel Broadcasting Service used to end their late night news bulletin in Yoruba with 'Ka sun re o' (May we rest in peace) to bid its listeners a good night's rest. After some time they changed to 'Ka sun l'ayo o' (May we rest with joy) which did not quite hit the mark too. Eventually they settled for the universal 'O d'aaro o' (Till the day break/morning).

Beneath that however was the issue of how some things we say can have more than one meaning and the alternative meaning usually carries a sexual connotation. In the US -I believe -the exclamation 'That's What She Said! is a statement used to draw attention to a phrase that could possibly be interpreted as sexual innuendo.

This occurs in every language. The Yoruba one about 'Eddie and Okonta' still cracks me up anytime.

Do you remember any one?

Re: Use of English

2009-08-19T13:05:00.003+01:00

The last post was more of a call for help. Right now we are trying to douse a fire caused by what I think was a slip due to a wrong use of English.

It actually happened to a friend whose fiancee works in a consultancy firm. They are going to the altar in December; date and aso-ebi already chosen.

Unfortunately, she chose option A!

Every body believes there are some underG moves between her and the boss. My guy now says that she had been working there, with same boss for quite a while and despite the late hours and all, she has rejected all entreaties for her to find another job though she is very qualified. You know how all kinds of talk come out at times like this.

I think she is just happy where she is. But even Wifey says it was a slip, not a mistake.

I think it was just a problem of translating her thought in Yoruba to words in English. if you speak Yoruba quite well, please how else would you translate the following:

Mo n'ba Oga mi lo s'ile.
Emi ati Oga mi a jo ma lo s'ile.
Oga mi ma gbe mi lo s'ile.

We are still trying to douse the fire caused by that slip. I just needed a woman's perspective to this and my wife is already biased.

Meanwhile, the poor girl has been crying her eyes out.

Use of English

2009-08-17T13:40:00.003+01:00

You are a female professional; you have been at work all day and just about closing time, your phone rings; Its your significant other -husband, boyfriend, fiancee etc -and you have the following conversation. Choose the most appropriate answer from the choices provided:

SF: Hey babe,
YOU: Hey you.
SF: You sound tired; How has your day been?
YOU: It's been hectic, been on my feet all day, y'know sorting through so many reports and
trying to collate something for my boss. My feet are killing me right now
SF: Eeh yah, sorry... but have you had lunch?
YOU: Oh yes, we did ... my boss ordered Chinese and we had lunch right here in the office!
Can you imagine? The man has been on my neck all day!
SF: Ndo, so when are you getting off work? Will you be working late?
YOU: Ermm ... I should be done by seven or thereabouts?
SF: OK, I should be done by then too; I will pick you up on my way back home ....
YOU: How sweet of you, hon, but don't worry ..

A.) ... I am going home with my boss tonight ..
B.) .... my boss is taking me home tonight ....
C.) .... my boss and I are going home together ...
D.) ..... my boss is giving me a ride home ...
E.) None of the above. I would have said ..........................................................................

Remember, the wrong answer can wreck your relationship.

Inchoate Minini?

2009-08-11T12:26:00.011+01:00

I believe that the judgments and pronouncements of the Supreme Court and indeed all the courts in Nigeria should be translated into as many local languages as requested by the litigants and other members of the public who are interested in or affected by the pronouncements as is done in India and some other countries.

While this will generate employment for the numerous graduates of Edo, Fulfulde, Gwari, Yoruba and Ijaw that we have, it will also help in clearing up any ambiguities that may be present in the said pronouncements before it becomes a big problem.

It also appears to me that their SC Lordships deliberately want to cause confusion with the kind of big grammar they use to describe rather simple cases. They use big words where simple words could suffice and refuse to simplify sentences so that whoever wants can choose whichever of the words apply to him since they mean the same thing anyway.

I am not a lawyer but the case(s) cited below are open and shut and straight forward to me, sans the contentious grammar.

The wahala between The Federal Government and the Lagos State Government ref AG LAGOS STATE vs AG FEDERATION (2004) can be summarized to be over the literary or judicial meaning of the word inchoate as used by the Supreme Court Lordships.

To the LASG, inchoate means valid but incomplete; i.e. its creation of 37 Local Governments was valid but subject to ratification by the National Assembly. They had even likened it to a baby that was born but not yet registered by the Registrar of Births. A baby just awaiting a 'naming ceremony'.

To the FG, inchoate means illegal and therefore invalid until approved by the National Assembly. Likened to a pregnancy carried beyond the term of 9 months and the said child cannot be named until it is born or at worst could be likened to a stillbirth with His Lordships as the morbid midwives.

We all know that it is partisan politics at play but the extent some people would go to just make a point is frightening. Some PDP stalwarts have even gone as far as to say that inchoate means non-existent, ultra vires, null and void.

Don't blame them. If only the SC declaration were translated into Yoruba.

Our ever hardworking Attorney General - and Defender of the Powerful - has been threatening to enforce the orders of the Supreme Court citing section 287 of the Constitution but curiously has not been able to pinpoint one single decision (order) made by the SC in that case. This is so because both parties in the matter ONLY sought and obtained declaratory reliefs. The FG got three out of nine while the LASG got four out of four.

A Declaratory Judgment only proclaims or declares what is the law, right and the existence of a legal relationship. It does not contain an order to be enforced against a Defendant which in this case was even the FG.

Besides, our AG must not be aware that a Bakassi Local Government was excised out of Nigeria recently but the said Bakassi LGA is still listed in the Constitution as one of the 774 LGAs in Nigeria even after the handover of Bakassi to Cameroun by the President on the orders of the ICJ . The National Assembly has not ratified/approved this dismemberment of the Federation and thus the action remains inchoate until this is done. Yet the AG does not deem it necessary to enforce this yet.

But of course, we know that as far as Yar a'dua is concerned, Aondoakaa is the law.

Another serious matter arising out of a SC judgment is that of Nnamdi 'Andy' Uba and his purported election as the Governor of Anambra state.

The SC had ruled that the election in which Andy Uba was purportedly elected as Governor of Anambra state was illegal since the office was not vacant as at the time of the elections. The said elections are considered null and void and never even took place in the eyes of the law.

Curiously, Andy and his supporters have taken this issue to ludicrous extents with some of his lawyers pronouncing that the SC judgment's legal effect evaporates on March 17, 2010 at the expiration of the present tenure of the Governor Peter Obi. he has since gone back to a High Court to declare him Governor from that date.

He has gone around calling himself His Excellency and his wife, Her Excellency because he was Governor illegally for how long? 20 days? What should Dr. Chris Ngige, who was Governor of the same state illegally for three years call himself? His Greatness?

His case is like that of a man who after sleeping with a married woman starts claiming husbandship. See why they needed to have translated that judgment into Igbo?

Forgive Me Blogger ...

2009-08-11T11:56:00.003+01:00

.... for I have sinned.

In thought, in words and in deed.

I have forsaken thy updates and not updated my blog for so long.

I have called myself a Blogger in vain; I couldn't even remember my username or password.

I have worshiped other 'gods' apart from you. (Damn that Facebook!).

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned.

Then & Now

2009-07-29T13:16:00.002+01:00

As any fan knows, most Nollywood movies are not complete without the mandatory scene involving a visit to the babalawo or dibia or pastor or alfa or some form of spiritualist or the other for help or for resolution of the plot. Usually, the plot has been so twisted that even the writers do not have a way to unravel it so they resort to 'deo machina' (hand of god) for resolution.

However, if the stories I heard recently are anything to go by, then Nollywood must be very far behind in its depiction of these native doctors in the movies. Nowadays, native doctors have gone nuclear. take a typical scene:

THEN
Client (highly agitated): Ha! Baba please help us o.
Baba Faleti: My child, talk to Ifa and explain yourself.
Client brings out a twenty Naira note and whispers inaudibly into it, then places it onto a wooden stauette or some other receptacle provided.
Baba Faleti: (after some long incantations and gibberish): I have spoken to the gods on your behalf and the gods have agreed to help you. You have to carry out a sacrifice. For the sacrifice, you will bring one big white ram, the shell of a tortoise, one keg of palm oil, four yards of white cloth, four cockerels, three pieces of chalk, four kegs of palm wine and forty Naira. If you can bring these items, then all your problems are over.
Client: Is that all Baba?
Baba Ifaleti: Yes, that is all. Unless you have anything else for Ifa.

Client will bring out a two hundred Naira note and promises to bring the items for the sacrifice the next day.

NOW
Client: Ha! Baba, please help us o!
Baba Ifatomoscores: My child, Ifa knows everything but have you seen Ifamuyiwa to pay for Consultation? It's only twenty thousand Naira. If you dont have cash, there's an ATM across the road.
Client: Baba, we have paid for Consultation o. Please help us, my daughter's marriage is in trouble, serious trouble. Her husband is sleeping with the househelp and wants to marry her. We want you to do it so that her husband does not look at another woman again lai lai.
Baba Ifatomoscores: (after some incantations and gibberish). My child that is a small problem for Ifa. Don't worry, now that you have come to see Ifa, all your problems are over. Which bank do you use?
Client: I use Fortunate Bank Baba.
Baba Ifatomoscores: (hands over a piece of paper): Ifamuyiwa will give you an invoice for one hundred and sixty five thousand Naira. Just go and pay into this account. Come back here with the payment slip tomorrow and all your prayers will be answered.

Naija Till I Die!

2009-07-01T10:38:00.007+01:00

N-A-I-J-I-R-I-A.

That's how its spelt in Ibibio, Idoma, Ijaw, Hausa, Urhobo, Itsekiri, Yoruba, Igbo, Fufulde, Gwari, Edo, Efik and the thousand other languages and dialects within the geographical space called Nigeria.

You wonder why an intelligent person like Reuben Abati just don't get it.

And it is not a recent phenomenon. It's a process that has been on since the end of our civil war. We have consistently made spirited efforts as a nation to find the things that unite us and define us as a people. Be it something as simple as the spelling of a name.

When Nigeria wanted to change its currency from the Pound/ Shilling regime in 1971, it reverted to the spellings of its name in the then three major languages and they all agreed that the name is N-A-I-J-I-R-I-A. That was where the name of our currency came from and since then we have been spending the Naira and Kobo. 'Kobo' is the Hausa name for copper - from which the coins were made - since the other two languages did not have a different word for it.

I remember that in 1985, prelude to celebrating our nations 25th Independence anniversary, an idea was mooted for a change of name of the country and several suggestions were put forward -from the ridiculous to the sublime - but the one I found most intriguing was the suggestion by somebody that we should just change the name to its local version such that any person who calls and write the name in any language would know what it means.

In the Yoruba worldview, names are very important and it is believed that a person's name actually affects the fulfillment of his destiny on earth. And that a person who does not know the meaning of his name may never actually fulfill his destiny.

The then military government of General Babangida did not go ahead with the renaming citing among other excuses, the volume of documentary changes that would need to be made. Besides, what would the people be called - Omo Naijiria? Ndi Naijiria? Umu Naijiria? Dan Naijiria? Naijirians? Nah, sounded 'too local'.

Instructively, around the same time, a group of young soldiers in a country then called Upper Volta (meaning?) took over the government of their country and renamed it Burkina Faso - Land of Dignity. The people now call themselves Burkinabes. Its been over twenty years now.

It is actually the word NIGERIA that is meaningless to us. We are not Latin or English. When we think, we think Naijiria but when we have to write, we write Nigeria otherwise we would fail the exams that were usually set in English. Since we cannot find Naijiria on the world map, we settle for the closest in spelling - Nigeria.

Jude Fashagba actually said it .. 'I love my counry but I hate its symbols'. Most of the times, the symbols that are used to depict Nigeria do not even remotely resemble its essence. They are just makeshift respresentations. 'Let's just put something make e no be like say we no do am'. That is why the recent re-branding exercise is such a disappointment.

The name Naijiria had somehow remained in our national consciousness in one form or the other for the last forty years, surfacing every ten years or so until its most recent incarnation as Naija. We are Naija people from Nigeria. How difficult is that?

I had written some time ago on this blog about the resurgence of patriotism in this generation of Naija people. A patriotism defined not by governments but by the youths themselves both at home and in the Diaspora. Seemingly without any formal synthetic arrangement but by a somewhat osmotic process. It is just seeping through the fabric of our national psyche without the usual baggages of tribalism, ethnic jingoism and all the other negative isms that have characterized all our previous efforts at nation building.

Naija youth is creating an identity for itself and for Nigeria. Rejecting the negative conotations that the world has tried to pin on it for years and rebranding itself creatively in sports, academics, movies, arts and music (yeah, and militancy too) so forcefully that the world took notice. Naija youth has given a new lease of life to this country. Saving it from the edge of the precipice and pushing it back to the top, where it rightfully belongs.

And it is succeeding, that is why people like Reuben Abati have noticed.

I think it is people like Dr. Abati, with their British mentality and orientations that miss the point. If we want to dance to our own national anthem, who can stop us? What exactly is wrong with that? Let's start it and see how many other countries will copy us.

I do not believe that this generation suffers from a crisis of identity. Rather, it is a generation that has found its identity among its peers in the world. It has chosen to bear its name and thus define itself as seperate from the confused illogisms that was its past.

It is a generation that is finally ready to meet and fulfill its destiny.

If only the ghosts of the past will let it.

If You Can't Beat Them, Forgive Them ...

2009-06-29T14:38:00.005+01:00

You have probably read/heard about the Nigerian Federal Governement's Proclamation of Amnesty to the militants in the Niger Delta. What we do not know is if this amnesty extends to kidnappers and militants in other parts of the country -like Jos for instance but if I know Nigerian politics well enough, we will be hearing something about that very soon.

I am not usually this cynical but seriously, I will want to wait and see how effective this pardon will be. Nobody has said anything about addressing even the remote causes of the militancy in the first place. We are still expecting the Niger Delta 'Marshal Plan' that had been promised for so long and now we have an Amnesty. I just love this country.

Listening to the President proclaiming the Amnesty, something rang insincere in the words. A kind of bravado to mask a helplessness. What I will call 'ogboju of the highest order'. I believe even Yar'adua did not believe what he was reading. MKO Abiola would have called it 'clapping with one hand'. A resounding silence.

Some respected voices in the Niger Delta have suggested that that there should have been an Armistice before the Amnesty. Instructively, the MEND struck Shell again a little while after Yar'adua read the Amnesty Proclamation.

Some others have began to define who is a militant and who is a criminal in the context of the Amnesty. This has already set the stage for all manner of creatures to come crawling out of the rotten woodwork of the Niger Delta -bearing all kinds of rusty flintlocks and dysfunctional dane guns and machetes - calling themselves militants. It is boon for the criminals.

According to my extremely learned friend, Abadingo Abadanga ESQ of the illustrious firm of Abadingo, Abednego and Co, this simply buttresses his time-honored maxim of 'Ist nolle prosequi im ceteris paribus'.

That is to say, 'If you wan commit offense, e better make you commit de one wey be say when dem carry you reach court, the Judge sef go just look your case free you ; because your matter don pass the Law or in other words, your case is Over-the-Bar'.

Some other sources say that there is more to this than meets the eye. That is, knowing the family politics of the Niger Delta, it is possible that someone, somewhere may not want to be seen as aiding and supporting militancy in the Niger Delta particularly if it is close in the family.

No be my mouth dem go hear say Oga brother na criminal - sorry, militant.

Abadingo also told me that not all criminals are outlaws, some are in-laws.

Honour Among Thieves

2009-06-19T13:55:00.004+01:00

It was perhaps the greatest heist in the history of 419. At $750 million for 51% of a company valued at $260 million, it must have been a bargain. But wait o. 419 is about advanced fees. Nobody knows exactly how much was paid in advance. Do you? Maybe we will call it 'Reverse 419'.

When the Transnational Corporation of Nigeria Plc (Transcorp) was launched on July 21st 2005 as "a Nigerian world-class mega-corporation managed by Nigerians and wholly owned by Nigerians" at the Presidential Villa, Abuja by Obasanjo - who owns 200 million shares of the company, the company had no operating office.

When it launched an IPO in 2006, it had no product or track record or histroy to analyse. The prospectus was full of typographical and design errors. Obviously even the directors did not see it before it got out. Its share pricing was based on projections. Yet the Nigerian Stock Exchange allowed it to go to market and Nigerians bought it. Of course, Madam Do Good also chairs the Transcorp board.

Transcorp was supposed to be the Nigerian equivalent of the Daewoos, Chaebols, Misubishis, Sumitomos, Toyotas, Toshibas and the other mega-corporations that raised the economies of the Asian countries. Its a strange analogy as these companies did not start out as mega-corporations, but rather as started as SMEs. Talk about leapfrogging.

Strange things started happening. Third term whispers and all that.

Obasanjo tried to stifle possible competition to Transcorp (he is the major shareholder). Ask the Ibetos how long a shipment of cement can stay in port. The Bull became a refugee in Ghana and that usually astute wheeler-dealer, Jimoh Ibrahim, almost lost his fortune but for GOD and his mother's head.

Gen-gen! they bought NITEL.

Gen-gen! they bought the NICON NOGA Hilton.

We siddon dey look, action dey go.

It was like a man who has a confirmed gold mine in his backyard but decides to plant ugwu on the land instead. With all due respect to Tom Iseghohi and his band of technocrats -with their much touted pedigrees (as if they were dogs), they did not know what they were doing in Transcorp.

Buying NITEL is like marrying a king's widow. You don't complain about her tastes in food, clothes and jewelry, you simply gird your loins and work harder to provider for her. Managing NITEL required more than Harvard MBAs or experience working in the safe corporate environments of the mutlinationals, you need a lot of street smarts. Unfortunately, the Transcorp board lacked that.

When Transcorp took over NITEL there was a deafening silence from the major telecoms industry players. It was like there was a conspiracy afoot. Indeed there was a conspiracy. A conspiracy of silence. Transcorp should have been worried but they probably felt they had won. If they could run The Bull out of town, who dem be?.

After all, how many refugees could Ghana take?

They forgot that there may be a day when Obasanjo would not be in power. They forgot that the same people you pushed off the ladder on your way up, you will meet again on your way down.

They forgot that kaka ki eku ma je sese, a a fi sh'awadanu ni. Mice may not eat salt, but they can waste it by making it unpalatable.

They forgot that there is honour, even among thieves.

The New Polygamy

2009-06-16T15:32:00.007+01:00

How important are children to a marriage?

When I was much younger, I had this girlfriend with whom I had agreed not to have children if we got married. We had this belief that marriage was for companionship and not necessarily for children. We decided that kids would be a distraction for us. Not letting us live our lives to fullness.

Back then, I personally could not understand why people would marry more than one wife or live polygamous lives just because of children. I had believed that polygamy was a problem of the old and uneducated folks and largely a generational problem that will pass away as more and more people become educated.

I was wrong.

In the last three months, I have experienced, at close quarters a seeming surge in polygamous tendencies amongst people who I will classify as young, educated and upwardly mobile in all senses of the word. In all these situations however is a common decimal. An inability to have a child.

Ade works in a bank while Toun, his wife of thirteen years works with a government agency in Lagos. I was at their wedding and I believe that both of them wanted children in the marriage so this was not a case of family planning. Besides, after thirteen years, the excuse of family planning becomes untenable.

Sometime in December 2008, I met Ade in the Isolo area of Lagos dressed to the nines in lace agbada and all that. He told me he had come for an engagement ceremony somewhere in the neighburhood. Toun was not with him.

In April, I was preparing a bid for which I needed some input from a bank and I called my friend to vet it for me. He was quite busy during the week and asked me to see him at home during the weekend so that we can go through it together before presenting it to the bank on Monday.

On Saturday, I called to confirm our meeting and he asked me to meet him at an address in Isolo. I know he lives in Ikeja with his wife but I drove down to Isolo and I met my friend very much at home with a young woman and a baby girl.

He said 'Nimmo, meet my daughter'. I could not hide my shock. My jaw almost hit the floor.

He explained that when I saw him in December he had come for an engagement alright. His engagement to his second wife, Dupe who was pregnant at that time.

'Does Toun know?'

'No she doesn't and I know you will not be the one to tell her.'

Wetin concern agbero with overload?

Kenneth is a lawyer and Tina, his wife works as an HR Consultant. They'd been married for ten years now without a child. To all intents and purposes, they are happily married. Kenneth is the quintessential husband and Tina is the dutiful wife. A perfect couple if there was one.

I have known Kenneth since our university days and he has always been a gentleman. You know the law student who was always in shirt and tie while you all wore jeans and t-shirt to classes. That was Kenneth.

On the fateful day I was in his office when he asked me to 'escort' him to a school in Ikeja GRA. To see the Headmaster who was a friend, he said. In the Headmaster's office, they kept talking about 'his son' and I was confused. Well, that was until I saw the boy in question. At about three years of age, he was a spitting image of my friend.

Does Tina know?

Yes.

My mouth shut up.

I have known Shade since like forever. My area girl to the core.

After getting her Diploma from the polytechnic, Shade got pregnant for and married to - or got married to and pregnant for (whichever came first) - a Camerounian guy, we will call Jules. They had a son but it was a turbulent marriage and after three years they seperated. Jules died shortly after. He had taken his son to live with his relatives in France.

Shade remarried about five years ago to Ahmed, who was married before but had no child from the previous marriage. Everything was good. Right?

A few months ago, we were at a function where Shade was introduced as Mrs. Kamala. Now this Kamala was known to be married with children.

Shade, how come?

Wo, Nimmo free my hand joo. I cannot continue to live with a man who cannot give me a child.

That was the long and short of her story.

But you are not divorced from him yet, and you're already living with another man. This is bigamy you know.

Biga kinni? Did he tell you that I married him in court? No be only traditional we do? In fact, the only person I was ever legally married to was Jules and I still have my marriage certificate.

What about Kamala? You're Mrs. Kamala now.

Kamala? Mschewwwww .. .. Abeg, Nimmo stop lawyering me, na pikin I dey find.

Words Of War

2009-05-27T12:26:00.005+01:00

'Is Nigeria at war?'

No one seems to be able to answer Yes or No but effective midnight 23 September 2007, a group called the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta (MEND) had 'declared war on the Nigerian state'.

In the light of what is happening presently in the Niger Delta region, with all the posturings, claims and counter claims emanating from the region and the vituperations of the major actors in this debacle, I feel compelled to ask the question again: Is Nigeria at war?

If the answer is Yes, who are the parties in this war? Nigeria and who? MEND?

If it is MEND, does MEND have the mandate of the people of the Nigeria Delta to prosecute a war on their behalf?

If the answer to this were Yes, and we agree that "a civil war is a violent conflict within a country fought by organized groups that aim to take power at the center or in a region, or to change government policies ... and that one side of a civil war is the state.^[2]", then this would be a civil war, right?

According to Wikipedia "Scholars of war divide theories on the causes of civil war into either Greed vs Grievance. Roughly stated:

Are conflicts caused by who people are, (defined in terms of ethnicity, religion or other social affiliation) or
Do conflicts begin because it is in the economic best interests of individuals and groups to start them?

Scholarly analysis supports the conclusion that economic and structural factors are more important than those of identity in predicting occurrences of civil war."

If the answer to this were No, then who or what is MEND and what are they fighting for? As Alhaji Asari Dokubo stated in a 2007 interview 'MEND was created not as an organisation but a name for the purpose of issuing unified statements'.

If you are interested, there are several insightful academic works here and here on the Internet detailing the emergence and raison d'etre for MEND. Some even detail how to effectively combat it here.

One thing is obvious though, Yar Adua and his government do not have a clue as to how to handle this unfortunate situation. The latest misadventure by the government's Joint Task Force was an ingenious PR coup executed by MEND and one wonders how much more unthinking a government could be to fall for such an obvious trap.

What if we were really at war?

UPDATE

Unfortunately ..[t]here does not seem to be an easy solution to disrupting MEND or solving the problem of Niger Delta as whole. However the work was not entirely futile as we discovered that the government is a common denominator in each strategy – in a negative way.

The government or regime seems to be the biggest obstacle to successful counter strategy. The regime in petro-state could be imagined as an entity which floats over the society but has no links to it and is almost only concerned with revenues from oil extracting which puts it [at] odds with people of Niger Delta who in majority feel deprived from what they see as their right – oil revenues.

Conceptualizing And Countering The MEND

I was surprised to find such a detailed study on MEND on the internet. It even recommends different strategies to counter MEND and its activities in the delta. Instructively, the study does not endorse a military solution in its conclusions.

This is like an open book examination. Does it mean that NOBODY in the Nigerian government reads or what?

Overheard

2009-05-13T10:17:00.002+01:00

This happened in a hospital where both Star and Fan had gone to visit friends in different Wards. They meet at the hospital lobby.

FAN: Hello Good morning, please pardon me but I know that I have seen this face before.
STAR: [With a smile] Maybe. Its a small world.
FAN: I am sure its you. You are on TV, right?
STAR: Right.
FAN: Let me see. Are you and actress?
STAR: No, I am an actor, a female actor.
FAN: Ahn-ahn, what's the difference?
STAR: See that lady over there? The one in the white coat. Is she a Doctress?
FAN: No, she is a Doctor.
STAR: My point exactly.

Blogging Bloggers Blog About Blogging About Bloggers

2009-04-30T15:00:00.005+01:00

Doesn't make sense does it?

Its like saying 'Plantain planters planting plantain in plantain plantation'. But that makes sense. In a way.

This is about blogging. And bloggers. And bloggers blogging. [Or blogging bloggers]. And blogging about bloggers. [Or blogging bloggers blogging about blogging bloggers.]. Anyway, you get the point.

Besides, I needed to update my blog before Bumight comes to remind me again.

Sometime last week, I was in conversation with a friend over lunch and suddenly he switched our gist to blogging. My first thought was that I had been outed and I was thinking of just denying it. It turns out though that our friend did not know about this blog but his peeve was with the Naija bloggers in general. He had been going round blogs and he finds it disturbing that most of the Naija bloggers actually write negative stuff about Nigeria.

I reminded him about the right of anyone to write as he/she will, a right enshrined in the constitution and also of the right of 'Nigeria' to respond if she feels any write-up is not positively reflecting upon her. [NOTE: Re-brand Nigeria still does not have a website/ web-presence. Are those guys thinking at all?].

His response actually shocked me; they had been 'reliably' informed that these Naija bloggers are actually the children/ agents of former Nigerian politicians or rulers who have fallen out of favour with the 'government' and are using the Internet to spread negative reports about Nigeria and the government in a 'campaign of calumny'.
.
Sincerely, my jaw was on the ground. Na so I dey look am

He then launched into a tirade of expletives to describe in unsalutary terms, the 'unpatriotic' acts of these so-called Nigerian bloggers. He even gave some names of those he called 'discredited politicians and agents of destabilization'.

Now, I am not so naive. I am old enough to know enough that some people can put up blogs to push an agenda. I also know that some bloggers are children of or related to some Nigerian politicians or former military rulers but I do not think/ never thought that constituted any reason to deny them their right to write as they will.

I do not know if anyone else has got this info but I seriously wonder at its intentions. It may probably be to introduce a sort of paranoia among Naija bloggers. I just can imagine reading Afrobabe, Badderchic, Deolu Akinyemi, Baroque, Solomonsydelle, Bumight, Vera Ezimora, Jide Salu, Woomie O, Roc Naija, Chari & Buttercup and wondering how much of their posts are 'subversive'. It is a worrisome thought.

Maybe this will eventually shut us all up. I must tell you that since that conversation, I have been thinking about blogging and whether its worth it after all. Several times I had logged on to Blogger but was too 'afraid' to blog about anything. Not that anyone might 'catch' me or anything as I have done nothing to be ashamed of. I am rather proud of my blog and have directed not a few people to it. Surreptitiously though.

I believe that bloggers are readers and readers are leaders and I have expressed that severally. I believe that out of this crop of Naija bloggers will come a crop of leaders in this country. A blogger is affecting minds with his/her writing. Yea, including Afrobabe and her 'total fuckery'. If all Nigerian youth were bloggers, they won't have time to send yahoo mails. That is a fact.

When Obama started out as a community organizer, I doubt if anyone believed that he would someday become President of the US.

Blogging is like community organizing but though the community is largely invisible or virtual, real minds are being affected by our posts and stories. Our personal failings and triumphs as shared on our blogs are read by millions of our countrymen and women who share our pains and laugh at our foolishness.

It is also their story. That's why they keep coming back.

That is why we write.

I De-baptise Thee In The Name Of ......

2009-04-17T10:16:00.006+01:00

According to this article, 'More than 100,000 former Christians have downloaded "certificates of de-baptism" in a bid to publicly renounce their faith'. The online service started about five years ago and is provded by the London-based National Secular Society (NSS)

I think the issues here are more political than parochial.

'According to Argentine campaigner Ariel Bellino, a former Catholic: "The church counts all those who've been baptized as Catholic and lobbies for legislation based on that number, so we're trying to convey the importance of people expressing they no longer belong to the church."

In England, its a bit more desperate:

"Official estimates are that fewer than one million Britons regularly attend Sunday services, but there are currently 26 Church of England bishops sitting in the House of Lords. With churches, everybody checks in, but nobody checks out. There's no exit strategy except the funeral."

Some protesters have published renouncement of their Christianity in newspapers but Nick Baines, the Bishop of Croydon, says such notation makes little difference.

"Sticking [a] note in the register is not 'de-anything', it is simply a note in
a register that has no effect whatsoever other than to make him feel better
that he has been heard."

In Africa - where religion is the opium or 'primary sustainer' of the people in the convenient absence of government- particularly in Nigeria where the churches are always full and some even hold up to six 90-minute services every Sunday, this may be a tall order. Or may just take longer in coming.

The decisions of baptism were taken on your behalf by your parents when you were too young to decide just like your 'choices' of school, residence or even friends. Even if you don't agree with them now, can you change them? Do you have to put yourself through the stress of trying to change tham even if only symbolically?

More importantly, is it really possible to de-baptise yourself? Since true religion is between between an individual and God, the renumnciation of that relationship - if at all possible- should also be between the two parties only. The Church is just a third party.

Re-branding: A D-I-Y Guide

2009-04-02T16:59:00.004+01:00

My Naija peeps,

Ever since the news broke on this Bernie Maddof's scam (Ponzi, Hedge - same difference), how many Americans have you called up to talk about America being a land of scammers and how afraid you are to even talk to them or counting your money near them?

What?

None?

Exactly. You don't go around calling people names and you know the difference between one person's greed and a people's aspirations. Your Mama taught you better than that.

I am so proud of you.

The next time some e.diot gets in your face and wants to talk about some 'Nigerian' scams or what not, just look at him from head to toe (you know how) and let out one of those famous long hisses or just pronounce him 'F-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-l' in your best Talab Abass voice.

Better still, you can just re-brand his face with a dirty slap.

[At your own risk sha]

Some Like It Hot ....

2009-03-30T18:33:00.000+01:00

So much for hot sex.

A recent study purports there are fewer births nine months after a heat wave. It found that an increase of about 21.60 degrees Fahrenheit in summer temperatures reduces births the following spring by up to 6 percent.

Researchers at the Kinsey Institute for Sex Research concluded that high temperatures could reduce people’s sense of well-being, which could result in a reduction in sexual interest.

Another study found lower sperm counts during hot weather.

Do You Know Your Brand?

2009-03-27T19:02:00.002+01:00

If someobody calls your father a thief, what will you do?

I am usually appalled by the level of naivety displayed by Nigerians when this issue of Scam or 419 is mentioned. I will advise us all to do a search (Google/Yahoo/MSN etc) for the top 200 scammers in the world today and I can assure you there is not a single Nigerian in the lot. In fact, MSN brought out a list of scammers recently with their pictures and profiles and there was not a single Nigerian in the top 20! In fact, the top American in the list agreed to pay back taxes on his loot to avoid going to jail. There were Russians, Serbians, Turks -mostly Eastern Europeans on the list.

I will not try to absolve some of our countrymen who still indulge in this nefarious pastime (we are 140 million for God's sake) but with the efforts of the past and the level of awareness amongst the populace, it is a largely passing/passed fad. It is not as it used to be. Mugu don wise. Guyman sef don born again. We do know that most of those emails and letters still circulating on the web do not originate from Nigeria anymore. From the way the English is structured, you can guess where they are from.

Besides, anyone who still believes that there is a 'HRH Miriam Abacha' with a $20 billion stash looking for a foreign account to keep it must need serious help or might even be beyond help. Where have you been living for the past 15 years? Under a rock?

We need to understand that those who use the number '419' to describe fraud are usually Nigerians themselves. The number is actually the section of the Nigerian Criminal Code that deals with Advanced Fee Fraud. Now, that law was meant to protect Nigerians from foreigners who were all over us particularly in the 70s during the Oil Boom when we had so much money, our problem was how to spend it.

When people -like Oprah- call Nigerians scammers or call Nigeria the land of scams, it is meant to be an insult! DO NOT CONDONE IT. Take it as an insult and deal with it as such. Demand an apology.

I have no apologies for being a Nigerian. It is difficult enough being one without you telling me how stupid you were to fall for an anonymous email. Do you want me to tell you how my Uncle was swindled in 1974 by a white boy who said he was the son of John F. Kennedy?

1974?

Exactly. Gerrout of my face!

Last time I checked, Bernie Maddoff is not a Nigerian.

Nigeria: Rebuild Not Rebrand

2009-03-24T09:46:00.000+01:00

Deoluakinyemi wrote that he wanted me to 'pirate' what he wrote, so I did.

What I want to write today is an article I will love you to pirate. I’ll like you to dub it, and put it on your blog post. Modify it if you like, give me credit if you want, or give me none at all. They say we’ll achieve a lot more if we don’t care who gets the credit.

I have refrained deliberately for a long time to make any comments about our National Re-branding exercise. I hope I will be able to say what boils in my throat and wrists tonight, without making too much reference to it. For all it’s worth though,... the fundamental error I can see is that Nigerians have not been allowed to own it, and hence rather than having people championing it, and helping others buy in, what we have is criticism and condemnation by the same people ....

Having said that however, I have a proposition of an exercise that we can own as Nigerians. It’s a simple idea and it came as a fallout of a discussion that ensued in my office yesterday. It’s an answer of what we can do to focus our leaders on the problems that we have ... and to assist them in giving it the attention it deserves. We no longer need any assistance from any source to know that our most crucial problem in Nigeria is Leadership! If we are all on the same page in this realization, then our efforts towards a better Nigeria must be channeled to support, focus and direct our leaders.

I remember shortly before the elections last year I wrote an article I titled, “Power is all we need!” I pleaded with our would be leaders not to promise us roads or education, but to promise us just one thing - Power! That if in any leaders 4yrs we can celebrate 1yr of uninterrupted power supply, then we should immortalize that president. Haven been to Egypt now to watch tombs, I say we must do the same, but before they die however.

First for the nation, then the states, then our local governments. Once we have a new president for example, we should as a nation analyze our most significant problem that we want solved in his or her tenure. After we have agreed on this problem, we should then go ahead and give that problem the same name with our president. We should substitute the name of our leader with this problem in our conversations, in our articles in newspapers, in our slang’s, in our music and drama. We should do this per state and per local government as well.

Let’s say for example that we have discovered that our biggest problem in Nigeria is Electricity, and for example that our president’s name for the tenure was Yaradua. Then every time power goes, every time we are in darkness, every time we have any issues, our conversations should be like this.

When it is bad as it is - “Chei, Yaradua has gone again”,
“Ah, we have not had Yaradua for the last 2 days”,
“This Yaradua is so unstable”,
“Ah what did we do today oh, we have half Yaradua today”,
” What’s wrong with you, you are complaining that you haven’t seen Yaradua for 3 days, what about people that haven’t seen Yaradua for one year! or ever!”,
“I wasn’t able to do it overnight, because Yaradua kept fainting”,
“We have been using Yaradua as backup to our Generator”,
“Iron your shirts, Yaradua may soon go oh”, ”

When this start becoming good - ” Up Yaradua!”,
“Yaradua is really trying oh, we are not where we want to be, but we are far from where we were”,
“Yaradua has been consistent for the past 24hrs”,
“Ah, we need to celebrate 1yr of uninterrupted Yaradua”,
“Yaradua is so much better these days”,
“With Yaradua so constant, Nigeria is really becoming the most desirable nation to live in on earth”.
“Yaradua is constant in all the states of Nigeria and the structures are in place to get Yaradua into all the local governments.”

Can you form your own new ones?

If we keep speaking this way, our leaders will know that we mean business with our desire for solutions. The next president will also know that one critical unsolved problem will bear his name until it’s solved. I recommend, that whichever president fixes electric power be given the opportunity to forever bear the same name with electricity in Nigeria and be forever immortalized in the lips and minds of Nigerians.

The same for every future identified problem. A similar approach should be taken to the state levels. Whatever problem we align and identify must be instantly changed to the name of the Governor. If the issue in Lagos for example was Transportation and assuming the Governor was Fashola, then by now, people should be saying
“Fashola is getting better in Lagos now”, or
” I entered one wrong fashola and they collected my phone and laptop.” or
“Big Fashola (BRT) is actually making life easy for Lagosians”.

We can identify the states one by one and identify the problems that need to be solved and replaced with their name.

My people say that whatever hurts one, must be primary in one’s conversation -

“Oun to ba duni lo n po loro eni”

Fasting Fridays: Be Cause

2009-03-20T10:01:00.003+01:00

Why do we fast?

There are several benefits to the practice of fasting particularly those of health and physical well being but most of the people who fast do it for 'spiritual' reasons.

On Ash Wednesday, there was an interesting discussion in my office about Lent with three different denominations of Christians having different views about it. The Catholics celebrate Lent while some others participate but there were those who do not see it as 'scriptural'.

They say that there was nowhere in the New Testament where fasting was recommended to Christians. Jesus fasted for 40 days but he didn't say anybody else should. Paul did not recommend it though there was reason to believe that he fasted himself.

I really do not know about this so I will just ask for your views or opinions. As Wikipedia will say [citations needed]

I believe every religion has one form of fast or the other. Islam recommends - nay, mandates- all faithfuls to observe the thirty days of Ramadan in a fast of holiness.

Why do we fast?

Francis, who is a member of ECKANKAR answers the question like a typical African. He asks another question:

'Why do we eat?' - to which he answers thus:

'We eat to keep body and soul together'

So, why do you fast?

Naija 4 Life!

2009-03-19T20:41:00.006+01:00

NIGERIA: Good People, Great Nation

For the last few years, there had been a palpable positive movement in Nigeria's image indicators and it was not started by the Nigerian government. In fact the Nigerian government came into it and derailed the efforts with its infamous 'Heart of Africa' shtick.

I really dont know how it started or who started it (though some people credit JJC & the 419 Squad crew) but the 'NAIJA-4-LIFE' slogan was/is still the most successful effort at nation rebirth and national pride.

To me, it was so successful when my cousins who were born in Scotland and had never been to Nigeria before actually started calling themselves '9JA-4-LAIF'. They finally came to Lagos and in spite of all our deprivations, (NEPA, Water, Roads etc) they still enjoyed themselves and would not stop talking about Nigeria.

There were so many variations of the slogan but in all, there was this palpable pride in Nigeria and things Nigerian. Even on Blogville, more and more bloggers identified with Nigeria and were proud to share their stories, even the not-so-palatable ones. Yes, all the problems were still there but we ARE Nigerians and we WILL solve our problems. No be today yansh dey back.

Along the line, the Nigerian government tried to take over the driver's seat of the movement rather than just ride the wave. The result was the disaster called 'Heart of Africa'. I believe that in itself, the 'Heart of Africa' Project was a good idea but the moment it was passed to the clueless bootlickers at the MoI, it was doomed to failure.

Ironically, several African countries have successfully carried out some image laundering in the last few years in efforts that included Nigerians. Botswana, Rwanda, Kenya and South Africa have ran successful campaigns in the past and it even appears South Africa is on a perpetual campaign but its messages change depending on their challenges. You would probably have seen their 'This is my South Africa, tell me about yours' campaign featuring Yvone Chaka Chaka and others on CNN.

Their efforts are geared towards hosting a successful World Cup come 2010. I doubt if they are thinking of winning the cup. They know they can win in many more ways than on the field. They obviously know how to run a good campaign.

I am not one to predict doom but for this Akuyili's campaign, I am just wondering; how long will one million dollars last?

Fasting Fridays

2009-03-13T15:21:00.003+01:00

AJANI: Shukudi! Shukudi! Ore mi to da! How now? This one that your face is squeezing so, I hope all is well o.

CHUKWUDI: Ajani-jani! my friend. All is well. Its just that I am fasting.

AJANI: Ah! Fasting. I forgot its Lent period. Pele o. Sorry.

CHUKWUDI: What is kpele in this one now? Simply because I'm fasting. Did I say anything is wrong with me?

AJANI: OK then. E ku oungbe o. E ku ise emi. Olorun a san wa l'esan rere.

CHUKWUDI: (laughs). Better. E ku fasting. I know Yoruba has a greeting for every situation but what is all these ngbati-ngbati you just poured on me now?

AJANI: So somebody cannot greet you again. When you were carrying your face like masquerade who wan shit what would somebody say?

CHUKWUDI: Bia, Ajani if you don't have anything else to say, come and be going before you spoil my fasting.

Housecleaning

2009-03-10T18:47:00.001+01:00

I can't believe its already one whole month since I'd been here!

Let me clean up all the cobwebs that have accumulated and I will be back to blogging.

Update

2009-02-10T13:03:00.001+01:00

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... You need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize,

'
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'
'
'
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'
'

YOU HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR IPOD!!!!

On Politics

2009-02-04T10:52:00.001+01:00

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan

Awwwwww ... I Like This

2009-01-28T10:25:00.005+01:00

Yeah, I know the inauguration is long past and the guy is already busy at work but this is a so very nice picture. Its been on my desktop for some time now. Notice the Secret Service agents and aides trying not to look too embarrassed or looking away.

What is it with this 'head grinding' between 'Mi-Mi Baby' (a.k.a. Leader of the Fashionable World) and her 'O-Bee Darling' (a.k.a. Leader of the Free World). This and the famous 'fist-bump' (a.k.a. Terrorist Salute). See more 'head-to-head' pictures here.

Someone was obviously trying to get lucky that night and someone else couldn't wait to get out of that dress. They say power is an aphrodisiac. Stronger than burantashi. Stronger than Viagra.

Did you see them practically smooching on the road to the White House? Just to walk a few blocks down Pennsylvania Avenue and wave to people they were doing 'Love in Tokyo'. I doubt if any other President has done that in history.

The way these two are going ehn, Malia and Sasha may have a brother soon.

Mark my word.

Did You Know That ..... ?

2009-01-26T12:37:00.005+01:00

.... Queen Victoria’s physicians prescribed marijuana (a.k.a pot, igbo, ganja, gbana, kukuye) to relieve her menstrual cramps ...

So there ladies, its official! If its good for the Queen, its good for you!

Tell your Senators and tell your Reps: Legalize It!

Obviously Peter Tosh did not have this information or the song could have been a bit different.
' ... even Queen Victoria smoked it,
... You gotta legalize it: Don't criticize it
.... Legalize it, yeah, yeah and I will advertise it ....'

If it is good for tuberculosis and 'maracobosis' what is menstrual cramps?

What?

'What do you mean 'is it medical?' Where's Naapali when you need him?

Go ask Bumight.

What again now?

What do you mean this is not an update?

The One State Solution

2009-01-23T12:43:00.003+01:00

It may not be new but it is very interesting that a most audacious solution to the Israeli/Palestinian problem is coming from no less a person than Muammar Gaddafi of Libya.

Gaddafi proposes a one state solution for all within the pre-1948 borders of Palestine (which is the original name of the land) to contain the Israelis and the Arabs probably in a loose federation of sorts.

Hear him:

" Although it’s hard to realize after the horrors we’ve just witnessed, the state of war between the Jews and Palestinians has not always existed. In fact, many of the divisions between Jews and Palestinians are recent ones. The very name “Palestine” was commonly used to describe the whole area, even by the Jews who lived there, until 1948, when the name “Israel” came into use.
Jews and Muslims are cousins descended from Abraham. Throughout the centuries both faced cruel persecution and often found refuge with one another. Arabs sheltered Jews and protected them after maltreatment at the hands of the Romans and their expulsion from Spain in the Middle Ages.
The history of Israel/Palestine is not remarkable by regional standards — a country inhabited by different peoples, with rule passing among many tribes, nations and ethnic groups; a country that has withstood many wars and waves of peoples from all directions. This is why it gets so complicated when members of either party claims the right to assert that it is their land."

It actually sounds very simple and should be workable but with the US proposing a Two-state Solution (Israel-Palestine) and some even advocating a Three-state Solution (Israel-West Bank-Gaza), it may be hardsell. Let's hope someone looks at it at least.

So, Who Won?

2009-01-19T19:25:00.003+01:00

Following the unprecedented double unilateral (definitely not bi-lateral since both sides did not meet to agree) cease-fires almost simultaneously declared by both Israel and Hamas, I really will want to know: Who Won?

Hamas says they did.

"The enemy has failed to achieve its goals," Ismail Haniyeh, the top Hamas leader in the territory, said in a speech broadcast on Hamas television.

That is equal to a victory. QED.

It's strange however that it was the Hamas leaders who were safely ensconced in Syria and Egypt while the hostilities lasted who crowed loudest about the 'popular victory' over Israel.

Unfortunately, nobody asked the 1, 292 Palestine Arabs who made up the body count.

Israel says they did.

Prime Minister Ehud Olmert told newsmen after the Saturday night cabinet meeting,

"All of our goals have been achieved successfully. Hamas was beaten." He added, "If Hamas decides to keep shooting, we're ready to strike back forcefully."

Nobody asked the 13 Israelis who died.

So what happens next?

Naturally the world would rally behind the Gazans to rebuild their infrastructure and their lives. Money will be pumped into their economy and houses will go up again and after some time, life will continue like it should.

Hamas will keep winning elections in Gaza and maybe even the West Bank. The home-made bombs will continue to fall on Israeli cities again and Israel will make some for about 5 years then they will attack again and then we will all shout again and .....

The cease-fires practically guarantees that Israel and Hamas are destined for another bloody brawl. And once again, the victims will be the Palestinian civilians whose streets and homes in Gaza are turned into a battleground.

When will we learn?

For Mugabe, One 'Indian Apple' Please!

2008-12-19T17:23:00.003+01:00

I had written this as a comment on Solomonsydelle's post on Zimbabwe.

Pity Mugabe.

He's a hostage to his own history. His own myth. The myth of the Liberator. The African Strong Man who liberated his people from Colonialism. Now he must perpetuate the myth even if nobody but himself still believes it. He must live the myth. Even if it kills him. Even if it kills Zimbabwe.

He's a hostage to a group of greedy old men who make up his inner circle. Men who believe they own the land because they 'fought' for it. Even if Mugabe wants to leave, he cannot because he's beholden to those old men who were his comrades in the struggle.

Hangers-on and Parasites, I call them.

Mugabe reminds me in a way to Baroka in Wole Soyinka's play 'The Lion & The Jewel' in that he feels the need to prove his 'manliness' every time and in every discussion/ situation. He feels the need to be in 'control', even with inflation that has long spiraled out of control.

Pity Zimbabwe.

Hostage to a cabal that sucked her dry and like fastidious parasites have refused to let go even after they have sucked everything in her. Once Africa's Food Basket, now Africa's Basket Case.

Pity Zimbabweans.

Hostage to their own history. Beholden to a cabal who have long forgotten what it means to be responsible to them. I hope they are not waiting for a generation to die out before a Liberator who knows not Mugabe will rise from among them, because then the cycle will only repeat itself.

The latest death toll from the cholera epidemic in that country is 1, 123 deaths (mostly children) and Mugabe who once said the epidemic was over later turned around to say it was part of a 'chemical biological warfare' by some Western countries to topple his government. He had accused everybody except GOD and himself for all the woes befalling Zimbabwe.

He had accused neighboring Botswana of providing a training camp for Zimbabwean rebels.

The guy is on a roll. His party, the ZANU-PF just held its annual convention outside the capital Harare (they shipped in their own food and water) and then launched a new 10 billion Zim-dollar note in a hopeless effort to keep up with inflation. (I never believed that inflation can go into seven digits percentiles).

Then he woke up this morning and proclaimed that no African country has the guts to topple him.

Where are those Indian apples just when you need one?

Look Yonder To Thailand!

2008-12-02T11:48:00.005+01:00

Have you heard?

If you haven't, then read this. For those of you who won't bother following the link, here's the News-in-Brief.

The Constitutional Court in Thailand court dissolved Thailand's top three ruling parties for electoral fraud on Tuesday and temporarily banned the prime minister from politics.

"Former PM Somchai's People's Power Party, the Machima Thipatai party and the Chart Thai party were found guilty of committing fraud in the December 2007 elections that brought the coalition to power with a thumping majority.

The case stems from an earlier Supreme Court conviction of a PPP executive committee member, Yongyuth Tiyapairat, who was found guilty of buying votes. Under Thai law, an entire party can be disbanded if one executive member is found guilty of electoral fraud. Similar individual cases brought down the other parties."

Can you imagine that? Why can't we have such a law in our statute books?

Of course, a Nigerian court has declared a sitting government as a nullity before. (Remember Shonekan's Interim National Government?) but that was almost immediately supplanted by Abacha's military junta. In Thailand, the military has been neutral in this matter.

I have always proposed that any political party that is found to rig an election in Nigeria should not only be dissolved and banned but its leaders jailed for a minimum of ten years without an option of a fine. This effectively removes them from circulation and possible further interference in the electoral porcess. In addition, the Electoral Officers in charge of the election should go to jail and automatically lose their pensions to pay for the election re-runs ordered by the courts.

In Nigeria today, you steal an election, you enjoy it for as long as you can, stalling in the courts, with adjournments and postponements, SMS and threats. After about two years of appeals and counter-appeals, the courts finally declare you a thief. You go on TV and talk about 'nurturing our nascent democracy' and 'respecting the rule of law' and then you declare it as 'the will of God'. Then you go home to enjoy your loot and nothing happens.

That is, if you the court does not ask for a re-run of the elections which you will steal again; as a matter of course.

Of course, the INEC Chairman has told us that it is the Nigerian politicians that rig elections not INEC but we all know that it takes two to tango. According to Chief Zebrudaya Okoroigwe Nwogbo alias 4.30, 'If the theifer are not thievry, the buyer will not be boughtery'. A receiver of stolen goods is as guilty as the thief who stole the goods.

I think we should begin a process of including such provisions in our laws. What does it really take to ammend our electoral laws to reflect such? Rather than sitting down lamenting that the country is going to the dogs, we should be agitating to have those laws introduced.

For as long as there are no laws to check the politicians, there may be very little anyone can do to check the brigands.

In other news, can anybody please explain what religion has got to do with local government elections in Jos? Maybe Majek Fashek was right after all: Religion Is Politics. Or vice versa.

Less than 48 hours after 387 people were confirmed dead under his watch, the Plateau Governor Jonah Jang wants to go ahead and swear-in the 'elected' politicians into office.

How callous can you be?

Taking Over Nigeria

2008-11-26T11:42:00.013+01:00

Please read this post by a young Nigerian who has a passion for things Nigerian. Even if you don't agree with him completely, you should be impressed with his 'Can Do' attitude.

Even to the Naysayers, we say it is possible.

There is a groundswell going round the country and the resolve is for us to take our country back.

The post is even written in most part in the past tense. It has already happened!

When your children ask you: 'Mummy, where were you when it happened?'

How will you answer?

Are you game?

Did You Know?

2008-11-21T10:10:00.002+01:00

--- William Shatner and Nichelle Nichols, as Capt. James T. Kirk and Communications Officer Lt. Uhura, shared network television’s first interracial kiss in the Star Trek episode "Plato’s Children." The revolutionary segment aired in 1968.

That means so many things really happened in 1968. I can't believe it took that long for a white man to kiss a black girl on screen. Or vice versa.

This really makes Obama's election, forty years later, all the more significant.

Gadsby: Champion Of Youth

2008-11-20T12:37:00.003+01:00

Gadsby: Champion of Youth is a work of fiction that puts forth an account of goings on in a fictitious city, "Branton Hills." It primarily has to do with a transformation, through youth's vigor, of this moribund and slothful community. John Gadsby, its protagonist—a man of fifty or so—calls upon his town's girls and boys to aid him in his plan to bring activity and vitality back to that vicinity.

Thrust onward by a can-do spirit, this organization campaigns for original civic construction, and Gadsby soon gains a post as mayor.

“	If youth, throughout all history, had a champion to stand up for it; to show a doubting world that a child can think; and, possibly, do it practically; you wouldn't constantly run across folks today who claim that "a child don't know anything." A child's brain starts functioning at birth; and has, amongst its many infant convolutions, thousands of dormant atoms, into which God has put a mystic possibility for noticing an adult's act, and figuring out its purport.	”
—Gadsby, first paragraph

So what is so important about this?

I know you did not notice that up till now, the letter 'e' did not appear in any of the words or sentences above. That was the primary significance of the story.

Wikipedia says:

'This story of about 50,000 words is most famous as a notably ambitious lipogram, in that it painstakingly omits a most common glyph from all of its paragraphs. Gadsby is famous for its particular innovation: for all its 50,110 words,it is a long lipogram, a composition avoiding a particular glyph throughout.

A lipogram is a form of artistic constraint that arbitrarily limits an author's vocabulary. Gadsby, skips from "d" to "f"in its vocabulary of around 4,000 valid words... '.

In his introduction to the book, the author, Ernest Vincent Wright writes:

' As the vowel E is used more than five times oftener than any other letter, this story was written, not through any attempt to attain literary merit, but due to a somewhat balky nature, caused by hearing it so constantly claimed that “it can’t be done; for you cannot say anything at all without using E, and make smooth continuity, with perfectly grammatical construction—” so ‘twas said.'

The first chapter of the book and indeed the whole book is here.

See if you can find an 'e' anywhere in there.

Fundamental Human Rice & Other Stories

2008-11-14T14:35:00.005+01:00

Have you heard that President UMYAwn has started distributing the 10 billion Naira Rice Development Fund established by the Federal Government as part of his efforts in ensuring the Fundamental Human Rice of Nigerians as enshrined in the constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria?

The money is to be made available to rice farmers in Nigeria to empower them 'offset the deficit of over two million tonnes currently being imported annually; boost local production; create employment and conserve the nation’s foreign reserve.’

I know that the price of a bag of imported rice has gone up but even at that the price of the local rice (ofada/abakaliki) is still double that of the imported one. By simple economics, the local rice farmers must be making a killing.

If you have ever wanted to collect your own share of the National Cake, this is your best chance. Did I mention that being a card-carrying member of the 'biggest party in Africa -PDP would help greatly?

Rating The Navy
It appears that the Nigerian Navy is going through some troubled waters in recent times. Its ratings in the opinion of most Nigerians would be at an all time low by now. And this is all due to the activities of its Ratings.

After six Naval Ratings beat up Uzoma Okere for not leaving the road for their oga last week, another set of two Naval Ratings again went on rampage in Ota, Ogun State this time leaving one policeman dead and another in hospital after a scuffle over a girlfriend.

Our people say that when a drum wants to tear, it starts sounding high notes.

Is Obama A Blackman?
This question was asked by Mr. Bisi Ojediran, a columnist with ThisDay Newspaper. But it was really a question I had asked myself during the events immediately preceding and since November 4th 2008. In the article, the writer argues that President-elect Obama is more the product of his 'white' upbringing than his Africanness.

Personally, I believe that the world did not seem to recognize nor appreciate enough the contributions of two 'white' women in the molding and making of the man who becomes the next President of the US - his mother and grand-mother. It appears that people give too much credit to the largely absent parent in this configuration - the Kenyan father.

My Kenyan friends argue that the father contributed the genes (the dominant Y in this case) and you could see the Africanness in his skin color, his respect for elders (he never insulted McCain even in the face of extreme provocation. OK, maybe he tasi Sarah Palin once or twice but na she start am; he no be her mate) and you could see the self-assured cockiness of the Luo in him.

We must also not forget that he spent a few years in Indonesia which would have rubbed off him one way or the other. Don't also forget Michelle, she's been working at him for 16 years now!

I think its a continuation of the Nature-Nurture Controversy that has been on for centuries now. I believe it all contributed to making the unique individual we have come to know.

What do you think? Is Obama a Blackman?

A Song For The Canary

2008-11-10T12:57:00.005+01:00

Born Stephen Oladipupo Olaore Owomoyela in Oshogbo in 1932 to a part-time musician father who never wanted him to become one based on his own sad experiences as a musician. The young Orlando did everything to please his father, including completing an eight-year apprenticeship in building construction but eventually went to Ilesha to earn his Standard Six certificate.

His kind of music, which he called 'Toye' music has its roots in the local music of the riverine areas of the old Ondo and Bendel states. You would notice the common strain in his music with those of Sir Dr. Victor Uwaifo, Osayomore Joseph, the late Chief (Mrs.) Comfort Omoge and lately in the music of Daddy Showkey, Father U-Turn, African China and Stereoman.

As Western production electronics began to infiltrate the music of other bands, Owoh stuck to his low-tech approach; his music sounds distinctly rootsier than that of other highlife bands and strongly evokes the music's traditional base. He also generally remained true to the small guitar-band format of highlife rather than adapting his style to the huge, kinetic ensembles of the juju genre of King Sunny Ade and others. He sang mostly in Yoruba but recorded music in English on occasion.

On October 19th 1986, foremost Nigerian journalist, Dele Giwa, was killed by a parcel bomb sent to his home. The whole nation was shocked and Orlando in 1987 sang a tribute song to Dele Giwa; in the song 'Ofo to Se Naijiria' ('The Calamity That Befell Nigeria'), he lamented the security situation of the country and made several accusations which the government of General Ibrahim Babangida considered 'provocative'.

It was common knowledge that most musicians lived rather Bohemian lifestyles and encouraged anti-government rhetorics at their shows and concerts. The use of drugs - particularly marijuana- was common in these musicians enclaves. Until then, the 'provocations' of musicians like Orlando, Fela Anikulapo-Kuti and others had been largely tolerated by the government but the newly formed National Drug Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) provided a new front to their cat-and-mouse relationship.

Orlando and Fela basically shared the same fate. They were the scapegoats of successive military regimes in their contrived fight against the drug trade. They were both jailed on the crime of 'possession'. He spent 8 months in the infamous Alagbon Close Detention Centre by the Narcotics Division of the Nigerian Police. If you know Alagbon, its a fate you will not wish on your worst enemy.

On his return from prison, he released what became a monster hit, though it was just released on a whim. It was called 'The Message': It was based along the lines of the hit of the same name by the Everly Brothers and for me the genius of this song was in the peculiar lyrics as compared with the Everly Brothers' original.

E j'ise mi fun Folashade mi Take my message to my Folashade
E ma so fun pe mo wa l'ewon o But don't tell her I'm in jail
E j'ise mi fun Folashade mi Take my message to my Folashade
E ma so fun pe mo wa l'Alagbon But don't tell her I'm in Alagbon
E so fun pe mo ti rin jina Tell her that I have gone very far
Mo to d'eja oju omi That I have become a fish in the ocean
Amo b'ori ba yo mi l'owo Narcotics But if I ever get out of the clutches of Narcotics
Ao pade 'ra pe l'ayo We shall meet again with joy

In 2006, Orlando Owoh suffered two strokes and also lost his wife within the same year. A couple of months ago, I read in the newspapers that he was admitted at the General Hospital, Agege for some ailments on the bill of the Lagos state government as directed by the Governor Tunde Fashola SAN.

On Friday night, I was at the annual 'Yinka Ayefele Night' at the Ikoyi Club 1938, when the musician started belting out some of Orlando's tunes, apparently in tribute. That was when I learned that the Canary has ceased to sing. He did not survive a third stroke on Wednesday night.

What do we do when the Canary ceases to sing?

We
We shall
We shall sing
We shall sing a
We shall sing a song
We shall sing a song for
We shall sing a song for the
We shall sing a song for the Canary.

My Father's Eyes

2008-11-06T11:55:00.003+01:00

My father always loved debates.

He spoke with a stutter so he was not what you would consider an eloquent speaker or debater but he had a way of putting his points across so clearly such that unless you have superior arguments, you don't dispute his views. Back then, he usually has his friends come in for drinks usually at the weekends. He was not much of a drinker himself, but he always enjoyed the company.

Growing up, whenever I was home from boarding school or university, I was privileged to observe and later, to be part of these gatherings. These men were mainly UK trained and the gatherings could be as large as eight to ten men or as few as three. And you know what happens when men gather with drinks; they talk. They talked about women, sports and politics. What else do men talk about?

From these men I learned about history, particularly Nigerian history of which they were a part at one point or the other. Of course, I also learned about women. They were that experienced.

I remember one day, twenty years ago, in 1988, I think it was July/August. As a university student by then, I was allowed to make contributions to discussions once in a while. This time was during the presidential primaries of the US Democratic party and it was significant because a black American, the Rev. Jesse Jackson was a front runner in that race.

The debate was along the lines of the prospects of a black American winning the nomination of his party on one hand and then going on to win the Presidency of the United States of America. As with most African students back then, the candidacy of Jesse Jackson was an inspiration and we believed that he could go on to win the Presidency. I was the sole proponent of that position in that debate.

I remember my father saying that the chances of a black man becoming the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom was brighter than that of a black man becoming the President of the United States. To him, the UK society was more racially integrated than that of the US and that the Americans were 'racists' while the Brits were 'racial'. In his words, the Brits would still tolerate a good man (black or white) as PM, but the Americans just plain 'hated' the black man.

By some alcohol-induced prophetic ability, they arrived at the magical figure of a minimum of 300 years after the death of Abraham Lincoln, who somehow was the most significant index for a black man to ascend the presidency of the US according to them. By 1988, that meant another 175 more years.

He was wrong. They were ALL wrong!

Just twenty years later, Barrack Hussein Obama, a black man IS elected to be the 44th President of the United States of America!

I wish my father were alive to witness today. Maybe he would have shed a tear or two. Maybe he would have bawled. Maybe he would have just looked on incredulously because you see, a black man is yet to be Prime Minister of the United Kingdom!

He would have been 72 years old today (11/6). He would have popped a bottle of champagne to celebrate. He would have graciously conceded he was wrong and while it would not have dampened our celebrations, I am sure he would probably have looked for a reason why his prediction failed.

Of course, I would still have done my Obama Victory Dance in his face.

FREE JONATHAN ELENDU NOW

2008-10-31T18:46:00.003+01:00

Our people say that 'when a handshake goes beyond the elbow, it is no longer a greeting, it has become a wrestling match'.

How does one explain this charade going on? You say you released Jonathan Elendu but you 'arrest' his luggage and personal belongings. Haba! Una no get shame?

Make una 'free' the guy abeg.

Adventurers In Power

2008-10-29T09:30:00.012+01:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching Moments with Mo Abudu on TV when she had as her guests the former and current Governors of Lagos state, Bola Ahmed Tinubu and Babatunde Raji Fashola S.A.N respectively.

On the show, Tinubu revealed that a few months to the SDP House of Assemblies primaries in 1992, he had had no intentions of running for public office until one 'party elder' tapped him to run for the Senate in his constituency. He did and he won.

Fashola too revealed that one month before the AC gubernatorial primaries in 2007, he did not intend to run for any office but was just rounding up his activities as Tinubu's Chief of Staff, when his boss and some other 'party elders' tapped him to file his nomination. He did and he won.

This actually prompted me to look at the past leaders (rulers?) of the Nigerian state and how they got to there. Of all Nigerian heads of state/government from October 1st 1960 to date , only three of them could be said to have actively sought and got to the highest seat in the land. More instructively is that all three of them got there through the machinery of the most effective political structure in Nigeria - The Armed Forces! (you wanna argue that?)

These gentlemen are the late General Murtala Mohammed (1975 -1976); the very alive General Ibrahim Babangida (1985-1993) and the very late General Sanni Abacha (1994 -1998). Of these two died in office while the third was unceremoniously booed out of office.

Of all the 36 governors in Nigeria in 2006, Umaru Musa Yar Adua, Governor of Katsina state had made it quite clear that he intended to retire to his country-side farm and spend the rest of his days smoking Benson & Hedges and enjoying his family. However, in the eyes of the PDP 'elders', that made him the best candidate for President in the 2007 elections. Today, he is president.

Hapless, sometimes clueless, obviously in ill-health, but he IS the President.

Solomonsydelle asked: 'Is An Obama possible In Nigeria?'.

I will say No. And not because of the reasons given by Walter Carrington.

You see, in Nigeria, power is given to the unprepared not to those who want it. To get power in Nigeria, just be unprepared or pretend that you don't want it. Forget Jimmy Cliff. You can get it if you really don't want it. Am I even making sense?

In my last post, I mentioned Governor Rotimi Amaechi of Rivers state as the only person to have become governor on the orders of a court without contesting in an election. Till date, some 'king makers' in Rivers state are still reeling under that judgment.

Most of you do not really have interest in political office in Nigeria and from the foregoing, that makes you prime candidates for political office? But what if you -yes, YOU -were tapped today to become governor of your state in 2011, what will you do?

What if you were tapped to become the President in 2011? What programs would you have in place? What would you do first?

Its possible you know.

Believe.

Nigeria: This Nation Under GOD

2008-10-27T11:30:00.005+01:00

' .... and that this nation under GOD, shall have a new birth of freedom that the government of the people,
by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth.'
- President Abraham Lincoln,
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania; November 19, 1863

All life is relationships.

Everything in life relates with another or owes its existence in relation to another. More importantly is that we all owe our existence to the fact of our relationships with other people.

Umuntu, Ngumuntu, Ngabantu - A person is a person because of other people. This, I believe, is a Zulu saying and it forms the basis of collective intelligence in any community/society. It precludes any one person from having a monopoly of knowledge (or of existence) in any form. It forms the basis of a commonwealth of peoples engaged in a common endeavor be it in a school, a town, city or even on the Internet.

But can there be anything like 'over relating'?

The recent arrest - invitation - of Citizen Jonathan Elendu a foremost online journalist and publisher of Elendu Reports is an unfortunate pass in itself but the reactions of some Nigerian bloggers to the whole issue makes it such a tragedy. Some are misinforming. Some are just ridiculous!

Let me state here that I am not in support of any effort that denies any persons - Nigerian or not - their freedom for any reasons at all particularly where such efforts are outside the dictates of the law. Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights states:

“Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.”

I am not that old - don't laugh- but I have lived long enough to now that when issues come up, nothing is black and white. There are a lot of grays everywhere in-between and I tend to look at those grays to find a meaning within the event and understand it better, if necessary.

I do not believe that Jonathan Elendu was arrested for blogging.

Let us establish that first. Apart from his activities on Elendu Reports, most of us know little or nothing about him. And as I stated in one of my comments on Nigerian Curiosity, if his recent reports are anything to go by, then I suspect that he actually had his fingers in a number of projects that had to do with Nigerian politics. Especially his PR job for Governor Rotimi Amaechi of Rivers State.

Amaechi is perhaps the only person in the world who became governor of a state on the orders of a court without taking part in an election. If you understand that politics is essentially about relevance, then you will know why some people will not be happy. This is the Rivers state where Candidate Peter Odili captured 98% of total votes cast in an election that had 13 other candidates and which had 100% voters turnout. Nobody died, traveled or relocated between the period of registration and the election date. And of course nobody was sick on that day.

I don't think anybody can eat with pigs and not get his clothes stained. Particularly the Nigerian pigs. I think Jonathan Elendu is just a pawn in this game of the powerful.

Does all I these justify the continued detention of a Nigerian citizen? No. My purpose is not justification. Even an armed robber still has his right to Habeas Corpus so why not a journalist?

Nigeria: The Happy Anthem

2008-10-20T10:05:00.006+01:00

Hail Nigeria Glorious Land
Ever Blessed By God's Command
Land of Heroes and Our Pride
May True Justice Be Thy Guide
And Thy Sons and Daughters Be
Ever Happy, Ever Free

Great Nigeria We Love Thee
Land of Wealth and Liberty
We Shall Fight to Save Thy Name
From Oppression and From Shame
May Thy Friends Find All They Seek
And Thy Sons Be Wise and Meek

May The Niger Ever Flow
And The Green Fields Ever Grow
In Our Father Land and Home
Where The Waves From Beaches Foam
As Nigeria's Ensign Flies
And Our Happy Anthem Rise

copyright 1960

Nigeria, I Believe

2008-10-16T11:58:00.001+01:00

Wednesday the first of October 2008 would have gone like any other public holiday in Nigeria. I got out of the house to attend a Communion service for the 60th birthday anniversary of an Uncle. The family had gone out earlier to the Uncle's house.

It was Nigeria's 48th Independence Sober Reflections Day. President UMYAwn had directed that there would be no celebrations on that day but everybody should spend the day in 'sober reflections'. I guess not many people agreed with him. At least not in Lagos. Everywhere I turned, ariya was in full gear. There was one party of the other lined up on the day full owambe stylee.

If we cannot celebrate your Independence (whatever it means), we can celebrate our Nigerianness. Abi?

At the birthday party I met some guys who had gone to 'The Platform' a program at which some powerful speakers like Bishop Oyedepo, Pastor Poju Oyemade, Leke Alder and others were billed to speak. They were obviously excited about the program and we talked a lot about Nigeria. I was particularly struck by their positive outlook on everything Nigerian - even where they disagreed with each other on how to achieve some goals. The positive glow was a carry over from The Platform.

On Thursday, I got to the office and on my blog rounds I noticed that almost every body had done a birthday post to Nigeria - and Catwalq. Then I also read Flying Snow's positively powerful post on Nigeria's Independence.

Later in the day, I saw Pastor Tony Rapu on TV talking about his church program wherein they work with area boys and destitutes from under Lagos' famed bridges. The program is tagged 'God Bless Nigeria'. From Pastor to Area Boy, they were all turned out in the same ankara uniform and they were celebrating Nigeria. All of them.

Of course I got the 'Rhapsody of Realities' October Anniversary Edition. Someone dropped it in my car.

All these warm activities by Nigerians and the corresponding apathy by the political class reinforced something I had always known. Our salvation does not lie in our politics. It is in our people.

I don't think any of the people mentioned above from the Church leaders, Bloggers to the Area Boys were doing whatever they were doing for reasons of 'patriotism'. I doubt if they even knew what patriotism means. They did not need a Presidential proclamation to do what they were doing, but they were doing it for a love of 'something'. And an implicit belief in the 'rightness' of what they are doing.

'Something' they knew was bigger than all of them individually but which if they nurture it by putting in their own little bit would only get better - for all of them. Something that belongs to all of them. Something that for want of a better name we have agreed to call Nigeria.

You probably would have noticed that I have been going round blogville with this i-love-my-country-i-no-go-lie funk for the past few days. And I intend to dedicate all my posts for this month of October to Nigeria. Her greatness and her problems.

I will ask you to join me in this effort to locate Nigeria in the context of her greatness. We cannot do otherwise.

Welcome to the Greatest Nation On Earth.

Believe.

The Agony Of A Motherland

2008-10-10T14:21:00.003+01:00

I have just read Solomonsydelle's post of last year on the pride and pain of Nigerian citizenship. I no fit disagree with a whole SSD but I would rather want to reverse roles a little.

Like Atutupoyoyo, I would rather see our relationship with Nigeria as that of a child to a parent rather than vice-versa. What will you do if Nigeria were your mother?

Even if we agree to ALL her shortcomings.

Will you strip her naked for the world to see or will you remove the shirt from your back to cover her nakedness?

Nigeria We Fail Thee

2008-10-10T11:31:00.005+01:00

If you scratch ground small,
You go find oil, coal, gold plus precious stones
And the people? Adults wey dey work hard
And small pikin wey GOD take bless us left and right...
Wetin other countries dem dey find,
We get am!!!

If you were in Nigeria in the late 80s and 90s, you would know the above 'rap' that goes along with the song 'Me I Like My Country' quoted on SSD's post.

I doubt if Lord Frederick Lugard really knew what he was doing in 1912, when he suggested to the British Foreign Office and successfully 'amalgamated' the Southern and Northern Protectorates with the Colony of Lagos in 1914 to create what is known today as Nigeria. His intentions were far from altruistic as he was more concerned about his inability to get the 'darned natives' to cooperate with him in ending their 'barbarism' through his Indirect Rule system. More importantly, it was vital that Britain gain control of unclaimed areas before Germany, Portugal, or France claimed the land and its resources for themselves.

He did not know that by that singular act, he had birthed the greatest nation on earth.

Like many people then and since then, including historians, economists, political thinkers - and very many people who are Nigerians - Nigeria is just a geographical solution to a political problem, a resource/means to an economic end. And that is their mistake.

Many people look at Nigeria in terms of its abundant resources both natural and otherwise and believe that is the raison d'etre of its greatness. But even if you take away all the oil, gold and other etchetram, etchetram resources that lie in its soil, air and waters, Nigeria will still be great.

With over 150million people (and still counting) from 280 different ethnic nationalities crammed into about 971,000 square kilometres of land space (plus/minus Bakassi), renowned political pundits (and the Brenton-Woods Institutions) are still scratching their heads why we have not finished killing each other off as other humans would have done or divided up the land into a million fragments as other humans are wont to do.

(In comparison, the USA is about six times the size of Nigeria with a population just about 1.5 times and without its potentially volatile ethnic diversity. The average American has six times more space than the Nigerian to avoid getting into each others' faces.)

Nigeria was described by Professor Bayo Williams in the Nigerian 25th Anniversary Edition of the Newswatch magazine (October 1985) as 'the biggest problem of the professional obituarists'. Every time they pronounce her dead, like the Phoenix, she rises again. And again.

Why?

I believe that Nigeria's greatness is in its people. Yes, Nigeria's greatness is in Nigerians.

We are also its greatest problem. Think about it. Of any problem you want to ascribe to Nigeria and you will find a Nigerian.

Nigeria is not corrupt. Some Nigerians are. (We are not necessarily more corrupt or criminally minded though than any other peoples. Erm, we just do it with more aplomb. With attitude. We do everything with the swagger.)

I have travelled around Africa quite some and in discussions with non-Nigerians, they tell you about what I call the 'Naija Swagger'. We don't see it in ourselves but others do. Most other Africans can't understand it and find it annoying. That, to me, actually explains the obvious animosity towards the 'green passport' at most immigration points. It is a fear arising from the perceived unpredictability of the Nigerian. With some jealousy.

I have since stopped letting it bother me. I have learned to cope - with a lot of patience. There's a price you pay for greatness. I have stopped apologizing for it. And I think that's what we need to do as Nigerians, to stop apologizing for Nigeria because Nigeria has done nothing wrong.

(If some Nigerian decides to get involved in crime in Saudi Arabia for instance and is caught, you expect me to identify with it? Why? Have you ever heard the US government or people pleading for Americans convicted for crimes in countries like Thailand? In fact, most Americans distance themselves as much as possible from such incidences. You never hear of such on Oprah.)

This greatness is in every Nigerian (not the Guinness advert). We are all trying to actualize this greatness within us and in the process we get impatient with other Nigerians who are probably not moving at the same speed as we do. And this explains our individualistic outlook to life. We want it like yesterday. We can see it. Why can't everybody just get it?

So we become everything to ourselves. Generate our own power and water, build our own schools and roads, literally become our own governments because we believe the government is too slow to do some things we wanted done - like yesterday. And when we can't, we simply go to another country where they have those things we believe we need. Then we blame Nigeria for not having them.

So, what to do?

If not I, Who? If not now, When? . I can't remember who said that but its the question we should be asking ourselves as Nigerians.

The Nigeria I Seek Begins With Me!

Repeat this to yourself every morning when you wake up and before you sleep. Yeah I know it can be difficult but remember to repeat it to yourself next time UMYA takes another of his 'trips'. Adequate health care for all Nigerians does not depend on him, it depends on me!

Those of you who are people of prayer should pray for Nigeria everyday. I do not advocate outsourcing our problems to GOD. No, let's do it our selves. Bless Nigeria everyday and send warm thoughts of love to any part of the country you think is hurting. If you can't think of any where, send it to the Niger Delta or just send it to your village. There is nothing like too much love, is there?

Welcome To The Greatest Nation On Earth!

Believe.

20 Things You Didn’t Know About Mosquitoes

2008-10-06T19:13:00.001+01:00

I am very sure you didn't know Number 18.

1. The world’s largest statue of a mosquito is a roadside attraction in Komarno, Manitoba, the Mosquito Capital of Canada. (“Komarno” is Ukrainian for “mosquito.” What’s up with that?) Sculpted in 1984, it is made of steel and has a wingspan of 15 feet. It’s also a weathervane, swiveling in the wind.
2. There are more than 2,500 varieties of mosquito (some entomologists claim 3,000) whining from the Arctic tundra to the tropical rain forests. Most are active at dawn and dusk, while others enjoy midday feeding. Protein is where you find it.
3. In 1998, researchers found a new mosquito species in the London Underground, descended from ancestors that flew in when the tunnels were dug 100 years ago. Once bird-feeders, they now feast on a menu of rats, mice, and people.
4. They rarely interbreed with their aboveground colleagues. Their DNA actually varies from one subway line to another.
5. Mosquitoes do not bite, they suck.
6. It would take 1,200,000 mosquitoes, each sucking once, to completely drain the average human of blood.
7. Which seems unlikely, but then again in the Arctic, Canadian researchers who bared their arms, legs, and torsos reported as many as 9,000 bites per minute from swarming, newly hatched mosquitoes. At that rate, an individual could lose half his blood in two hours.
8. Once a feeding mosquito is full, a chemical signal shuts down the intake. When that signal is disabled in the lab, mosquitoes suck until they explode.
9. It is hard to get upset about that.
10. According to a University of Bristol study, male mosquito “ears” are packed with about as many sensory cells as human ears, helping amorous mosquito males identify and pursue passing females.
11. When a mosquito detects the whine of the opposite sex, it begins to synchronize its own pitch to match that of the potential mate. Randy males can “relate” to girl frequencies in a second or two. Females take several times longer to synchronize. This is the same with humans in a bar.
12. Mosquitoes can mate in midair, often in as little as 15 seconds from approach to fare-thee-well. There are no known instances of prior cocktails and dinner.
13. Male mosquitoes are actually sensitive vegetarians, living on nectar and plant juices. Only females drink blood, for protein to make eggs.
14. Millions of years ago, mosquitoes were three times as large as they are today.
15. Eyes occupy most of the surface of a mosquito’s head. Not eyes into which one might wish lovingly to peer, these compound-lensed organs deliver infrared images of heat patterns emanating from a body. Like the alien in Predator.
16. Mosquitoes also use your exhaled breath to track you down, especially when you sleep or have been exercising. Fortunately, they clock out at only 1.5 mph—so you can’t hide, but you can run.Unless you’re on a treadmill. Then they’ll get you.
17. Central America’s so-called Mosquito Coast (a thin strip of land along the Caribbean in Honduras and Nicaragua) is not named for the insect, but after a mispronunciation of the indigenous Miskito Indians.
18. Abuja, Nigeria, is home to the world’s biggest mosquito net, unveiled in 2000 as part of a national campaign against malaria and other insect-borne diseases. Two hundred children fit under it.
19. Millions of people alive today will die of a mosquito-transmitted disease. Malaria alone claims some 1,000,000 lives a year in Africa. Other top killers include dengue, yellow fever, and West Nile virus.
20. But they won’t die of AIDS. HIV-infected humans actually have very few virus particles in their bloodstream, and should a mosquito suck one up, it gets killed by the mosquito’s digestive system.

Now you know.

Knowledge Is Power - Update

2008-09-22T14:31:00.000+01:00

In ancient Greece, women counted their age from the date on which they were married, not from the date of their birth - a tradition many women appear to follow today.

Knowledge Is Power!

2008-08-21T19:21:00.000+01:00

' Hookers got their title during the Civil War, when Gen. Joseph Hooker, of the Union Army, tried to boost morale by allowing prostitutes access to his troops. Quickly dubbed "Hooker’s girls," the prostitutes shortened the name to "hookers." The term stuck.

Now you know.

Insult Upon Injury!

2008-08-21T18:49:00.002+01:00

This Georgia matter has bee on my mind since the last post and I have somehow been following the events in the news and on CNN/BBC/FOX/NTA. Okay, strike out NTA. Bust seriously ask me which one concern me for the matter sef.

The thing is assuming a new dimension now. It seems everybody is just hurling insults left, right and centre as if they are giving awards for the most painful insult.

First, Russian President fired his own salvo:

"The world has seen that even today, there are political morons who are ready to kill innocent and defenseless people in order to satisfy their self-serving interests, while compensating for their own inability to resolve complicated issues by using the most terrible solution -- by exterminating an entire people. I think that there should be no mercy for that. We will do our best not to let this crime go unpunished."

He was speaking at a visit to the military headquarters at Vladikavkaz, near the Russian-Georgian border. Each side accuses the other of "ethnic cleansing" during the conflict over South Ossetia, which erupted August 7.

The Wall Street Journal also reported the Russian newspaper Pravda writing the following
critical words about US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice:

The constant arrogance and hypocrisy of this failed female makes it that much more apparent that here is a person way out of her depth. Instead of regarding sensitive issues from a balanced viewpoint as she is supposed to do, this incompetent loud-mouthed, bad-mannered, [barnyard vulgarity]-mongering bimbo takes one side, ignores the other and then speaks down from a holier-than-thou platform as if she were on a lecture dias [sic].

This is not a classroom, Condoleeza Rice, and you are not a diplomat. You are a liar, a cheap, shallow, failed, wannabe actress on the diplomatic stage

At least American journalists (Keith Olbermann notwithstanding) don't engage in this sort of name-calling. Or do they? An Associated Press dispatch on John McCain's vice presidential prospects refers to Joe Lieberman as "the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000 who now is an independent." C'mon, guys, we didn't like him then either, but that's no reason for name-calling.

The WSJ also reported about a guy who was asking GOD for rain on Obama's parade:

"An outdoor event, too, is ... vulnerable to unpredictable events. NBA and NHL games are hardly ever rained out. True, neither are NFL games, but they frequently are rained on. Some people are hoping that happens to Obama, as London's Telegraph reported last week:

Stuart Shepard of Focus on the Family, one of America's leading evangelical groups, was shown in a video filmed at Denver's Invesco Field, where 75,000 are expected to cheer Mr Obama on Aug 28, asking Christians to pray for "torrential" rain.

"I'm talking 'umbrella-ain't-going-to-help-you rain,' " the former pastor and television meteorologist said. . . .

Mr Shepard, director of digital media at Focus Action, the political arm of Focus on the Family, insisted the video was supposed to be "mildly humorous." But it was hastily removed by Focus on the Family after complaints from at least a dozen of its members. "If people took it seriously, we regret it," said Tom Minnery, a spokesman.

This prompted MSNBC oddball Keith Olbermann to name Shepard "worst person in the world." ... The Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader quoted Olbermann, who seems to believe that praying for rain is effective in achieving the result:

"It's not boyish humor, pal," Olbermann said last week. "There are droughts in North and South Carolina, parts of California, most of New Zealand, and this idiot who firmly believes he can induce rain by prayer is wasting it by asking his lord and savior to play a political prank. It's not boyish humor, and you're a selfish hypocrite."

Finally, the Washington Post ran a piece on Georgia's Recklessness that I liked.

*****************************************************************************

What? You don't think this was an update?

Well, it is.

Georgia On My Mind

2008-08-12T17:48:00.003+01:00

WTF was the President of Georgia drinking when he ordered his troops to attack Russia?

This one is a clear case of ' trouble sleep, yanga go wake am'. You know say you no go fit fight you go tap sleeping giant wey get boil for armpit. No be wahala you dey find?

Even if Russia was occupying land that they believe was theirs, why didn't he take the Cameroun Option and go to the World Court to state his case rather than attack. And the attack was on a Russia that had been looking for an opportunity to exert itself and use its rotting ammunition and restless soldiers.

Well, I understand that Russia has ordered a halt to all hostilities as they have ' punished' the aggressors. Exact wordsof Russian President Medvedev: "The aggressor has been punished and suffered very significant losses. Its military has been disorganized." Now the Russians are asking the Georgian army to disarm and quit another disputed region outside of South Ossetia. Can you imagine? Talk of insult upon injury.

While one may join Dubya in asking Russia to 'reverse' its aggression and return to pre August 7th positions, I think someone should also smack the Georgian President Mikheil Nik'olozis dze Saakashvili for his youthful adventurism (he's just 40) and unnecessary risk of the lives of his countrymen. The attack was a waste of lives and resources.

Hopefully sha, next time when dem see dem Mama boyfriend, dem go call am daddy.

Rule Of The Law

2008-08-11T11:50:00.004+01:00

' ... But where say some is the King of America? I'll tell you Friend
He reigns above and does not make havoc of mankind like the royal brute of Britain
Yet, that we may not appear defective even in earthly honors
Let a day be solemnly set apart for proclaiming the charter,
Let it be brought forth and placed on the divine law, the word of GOD
Let a crown be placed thereon by which the world may know that
So far as we approve of monarchy, that in America
The Law is King!
- Thomas Paine in Common Sense; January 1776

One word. Aondoakaa.

Mr. Michael Aondokaa is Nigeria's Attorney General and Minister of Justice. A very powerful position if you ask me. Right from the beginning of this government he had tried to make it very clear to all and sundry that he means business as far as the adherence to the dictates of the Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria is - imperfect as it is. Some say it is incomplete.

More importantly, the President Umar Musa Yar'Adua (a.k.a UMYAwn) has also made it clear that he intends to follow ' the law' to the letter in every matter and situation. In fact, the way the man chants ' rule of the law' at every opportunity, I suspect that a marabout somewhere had probably appointed that for him as the talismanic mantra for him to succeed in government and hold all perils at bay.

No. I do not think it is bad for UMYAwn to want to distance himself, style-wise, from his immediate predecessor in office, who obeyed the law only whenever it suited him.

The problem is as far as I can see, to UMYAwn, Aondoakaa is 'the Law'.

Those who know the AGF describe him as a brilliant legal mind, a consummate court room combatant but like all humans , he has his flaws. Many contend that Aondoakaa is a bully. And the law is his weapon.

Remember the case of CBN Governor, Chuks Soludo and the 'redenomination' saga? When UMYAwn gave his approval and then reversed himself after Aondoakaa stepped into it? Of course, there is the Ribadu case too.

Some people have actually predicted that Aondoakaa will not rest until Ribadu is humiliated finished politically, career wise and otherwise.

Why?

As Chairman of the EFCC, Ribadu had consistently rubbed Aondoakaa's nose in the mud in their several encounters particularly in the case of ex Governor Joshua Dariye of Plateau state who was (is?) Aondoakaa's client. The EFCC had consistently hounded Dariye over some stolen public funds and Aondoakaa was on the legal team that represented him in those cases. The EFCC had used some under-hand tactics in getting Dariye removed from office and prosecuted. Even though till today, we do not yet have a verdict.

And so with Ibori. And so with Orji Uzo Kalu. And so with several others.

Obviously, Aondoakaa never forgets.

*****************************************************************************

The recent demotion of 140 officers of the Nigeria Police has generated a lot of newspaper articles, blog postings and comments in the past week including this one at Solomonsydelle's. Personally, I had felt there was more to this saga than meets the eye.

Femi Falana's article here on the legal implications of the Ribadu &ors demotion is a brilliant submission in my opinion.

I have taken a ring side seat.

Let the fights begin.

Oliver : We Cannot Ask For More

2008-06-25T19:05:00.005+01:00

Growing up in Lagos, we have known several Igbo families as neighbours and friends and with some, we now consider each other as family. You know the ones you call the Dads, 'Uncle', the Mums 'Auntie' and you introduce the children as your 'cousins'. On the streets of Lagos, I have severally been addressed as 'Omo Nna' (or Omo Yibo!) probably on account of facial resemblance or for the company I kept and still do keep.

I have known of only three Nigerians called 'Oliver', one is the late Chief Dr. Sunday Akanite (a.k.a Oliver de Coque), the other two are young men named after him. Obviously, their fathers were ardent fans of the musician. One is a lawyer; the other is a trader.

It was my Oliver the lawyer who introduced me to the music of Oliver de Coque sometime in the 80s when we hijacked his father's copy of the hit album 'Identity'. The lyrics of the song were rather funny to us as kids and we played it just for fun but along the line, I got interested in some other tracks and even earlier albums particularly 'People's Club'. Luckily for me, my Oliver had the patience of Job.

We would play each track and he would translate every thing the musician said in Igbo to me in English (or Yoruba) and even explain the idioms and proverbs. I got so good at it that we would sing along with the track at the top of our voices to the annoyance of his mother who would chase us out to the balcony where we would sing to the amusement of passers by.

That was how I learnt Igbo.

Oliver the trader was my neighbor sometime in the 90s. One day he was cleaning his brother's car and playing 'People's Club'. You should have seen the shock on his face when I joined him and sang it from the beginning to the end. We became instant friends.

The passing away of Oliver de Coque on June 20, marked the end of an era in Igbo Highlife music and indeed highlife music in Nigeria because Oliver in particular tried to take his music outside the mainstream Igbo audience to other parts of the country. Along with the late Chief Stephen Osita Osadebe and the late Sir Ezebuiro Obinna (Sir Warrior) they represented the veritable triumvirate of Igbo Highlife particularly in the decade after the Civil War.

Considering their peculiar music styles and lyrics, it could be said that Osadebe catered for the Igbo elites while Dr. Sir Warrior catered for the lower cadres, Oliver catered for the 'middle class'. In fact, Oliver has been accused of 're-creating' the Igbo middle class - a class of young Igbos who had made their marks in various businesses in the 80s and 90s. They were the so-called 'Traders Class'. He courted them and catered to their ego needs. Unfortunately, in his crowd were also some notorious drug barons and 419 kingpins.

Like all forms of African music, praise singing had always been a part of Igbo highlife but Oliver took it to another level. In the 70s, Yorubas used to say that 'Igbo people come to the dance floor with coins in their pockets' unlike the Yorubas who stuff their pockets with mint-new currency notes to paste on their musicians foreheads to show appreciation for his music.

By the time the monster hit 'Bili ka Mbili' (Live and Let Live) came out in '92, the Igbos turned the tables. Igbo people now came to the dance floor with cartons and bags of mint new currency notes and not just Naira but also US Dollars and British Pounds. The Yorubas could be said to have 'created' the art of 'spraying' but the Igbos perfected it. To a nauseous extent.

For more than a week now, I have been unsuccessfully trying to upload a copy of the video of his song 'Identity' from You Tube and not even an audio file could I upload. Please find the audio here courtesy of John B:

'Identity'

And you can sing along,

My Papa advice me,
Make I play my music with honesty
My Mama advised me
Make I respect all my seniors

Always cut my coat
According to my size
I no dey promise
Anything wey my power no reach

My Yes is my Yes
My No is my No
I no dey make yanga
I'm a simple man by nature

O o o, funny money identity
Ewo o o Mama, funny money identity

The Merry Month Of May

2008-05-30T13:33:00.004+01:00

O the month of May, the merry month of May,
So frolic, so gay, and so green, so green, so green!
O, and then did I unto my true love say,
Sweet Peg, thou shalt be my Summer's Queen.

'The Merry Month of May' by Thomas Dekker originally published in The Shoemaker's Holiday (1600).

The Merry Month of May is aslo the title of a book written by American author James Jones centered on the student protests of May 1968 in Paris. Politics and social upheaval are awkwardly mixed with sexual alliances described in the most vulgar terms. The book is at times funny in a cynical way that seems before its time.

I first read the book in May 1989 during the famous 'SAP Riots' when thousands of Nigerians - led by students- poured into the streets to protest the effects of the Structural Adjustment Program (SAP) of the then military government of Ibrahim Babangida. The military junta responded by closing down five universities for five months! (note the recurrence of the number five and May is the fifth month of the year). This was unprecedented in Nigeria and since then, from personal observation every year there is one form of student unrest or the other in the month of May which leads to campuses being closed down.

What has this got to do with me?

Ever since I have come to an understanding of the Law of Cycles, I have discovered that May is the end of a cycle for me. Most people say January is the driest month of the year when they feel a low after the festivities of December. When they are most broke. For me, that month is May. May is my Month of Melancholy.

I have tried to break the cycle severally. I have tried everything from esusu to fixed deposits but whosai. In the year 2000, my father passed away at the end of April and I practically spent the whole of May that year grieveing sort of. You can imagine having to bury your father and you were broke as hell. It wasn't funny at all.

As the month of May approaches every year, I always seemed to have a major expense to take care of which leaves me broke or as near as possible to broke. And since 2001, there would be the anniversary of my Dad passing on. All of which leaves me melancholic.

However, with the knowledge I now have, I have stopped trying to break the cycle or even fighting it. Now I try to work with the cycle. I have since learnt to take things easy as the month of May approaches. I leave off all major expenses, decisions, projects and whatever till much later in the year and just live each day as it comes. Afterall, there are only thirty-one days in May. I generally take a holi-month in May.

This year, I had taken it easy as usual, spending more time with my new baby and family. When I go to the office in causals people have stopped asking me if its a public holiday as I always tell them its my holi-month. Luckily, I work in an IT firm so there are no strict dress-codes.
I have also learnt to work with the Law of Reversed Efforts. I have learnt to combine rest with activity and achieve maximum results.

I have begun to see the wisdom in the Yoruba saying that:

'Kira kita o d'ola; Ka s'ise bi eru o da nkan; Oluwa ni n'gbe ni ga'

Translated: Success in anything is appointed by GOD; not by the amount of 'gra-gra' or efforts we put in. (And if you don't know the meaning of 'gra-gra', please check your Webster's Dictionary, it should be there somewhere between 'Grace' and 'Gratitude'. If you get my drift.)

In the last few weeks before the hiatus, my posts on this blog were more of rantings than writings, I realised I was getting rather negative about several things and the melancholy was setting in. Things that would ordinarily not worry me were getting to me. After my last post, I took Solomonsydelle's advice as golden-tongued wisdom and decided to take things easy. I took a break from most things, even blogging and incidentally she has particularly been most active about 'Finding N.I.M.M.O'. Sincerely, I never knew I would be missed.

I had been sneaking onto Blogville once in a while to read. I read about adventures in Macy's as a 2P miniskirt, about Fathers-in-Law who should have being a soldier, about soundtracks and all, about Mr. Perfect, about the Academy thats probably on hold, about spelling Africa or Afrika and meeting a Moor, about Double Deuces, about Rules and Regulations for a would-be husband, about giving someone a present off someone else's car, about Music of the Heart and the tag I have not responded to, about Jibiti, with the way she had mobilized Niaja bloggers on Brutish Airways and her grasp of issues, my vote is for Solomonsydelle anytime she's ready to run for President. I just never had the energy to write anything, I couldn't even think enough to comment on other people's posts until recently.

Interestingly, May is the month of sensuality and sexuality, the reawakening of the earth in vivid colours, vibrant scents, fresh greenery and the sheer joy after a long dormant winter. You see, May is also My Month of Magnificient Makeovers!

I must thank every body who had expressed concern on my absence. Much love to you all.

' .. I want to give a sharrout to my Mummy, I want to give a sharrout to my Mama Mulika who is living in our house and to Baba Mulika too. I want to give a sharrout to em ... em ... em... Anyway, you know yourselves.

As the cyborg said to the woman in Terminator 7;

'I am back!'

Another One Bites The Dust....

2008-04-17T13:57:00.000+01:00

Its beginning to read like a story being serialized in newspapers. Every week there must be a PDP Governor's election being revoked or another so called election victory being reversed. Like a house of cards, its all falling apart.

Last week it was Aliyu Wammakko of Sokoto State, this week Timipre Sylva of Bayelsa. And there are still a few more states to go, one year after the elections were held.

All these would have been bearable but for Professor Iwu's INEC's posturing. Now they have gone ahead to take up ample airtime on TV justifying their conduct of the April 2007 (s)elections by saying that "It is politicians who rig elections not us".

WTF! How can politicians rig elections without the active connivance of the Umpire INEC? Sebi I said it that if all the INEC officials have been arrested, tried and locked up since the past one year for 'electoral malpractice' (just like any other professional misconduct/malpractice), this story would have been different. After all, even students get 21 years jail for exam malpractice.

As it is, the more elections are reversed, the more money for Iwu and his cohorts as they simply present a fresh invoice.

The case in Bayelsa is even more interesting as some House members came up that they had impeached the Speaker who was to be sworn in as Acting Governor until the rerun elections are held. They nominated and presented their own Speaker for swearing in as Acting Governor!

Many people have always held that elections do not take place in the Niger Delta states particularly Rivers and Bayelsa. The sheer logistics of navigating the creeks alone is daunting. INEC just collects its allocation for those areas and simply allocates figures for them according to the powers that be.

In the 2003 elections, the then Rivers state Governor, Dr. Peter Odili scored a whopping 98.8% of total votes cast in the state gubernatorial elections leaving the remaining 1.2% for the other 13 (yes, THIRTEEN) political parties to share in a field that included veteran politicians like Chief Sargent Awuse of the ANPP.

That election was also remarkable in the fact that voter turnout was 100%. Everybody who was registered for the election came out and voted! No one was ill, no one had died, no one traveled or relocated between the period of registration and elections proper which were more than eighteen months apart! It was a feat only the PDP and INEC could have produced.

And Iwu says it is politicians who rig elections.

I was in Uyo, Akwa Ibom state last year for a burial and it fell in the period when a rerun of the Assembly elections were being held. The burial was on Friday and I wanted to leave town by Friday night in order not to be caught up in the movement restrictions that usually go with elections on Saturday.

My friend Okon told me not to worry myself. He told me that the elections would actually hold on Friday night. Saturday was just a day of rest.

'You think this is Lagos where you people kill yourself because of elections?', he had asked.

On Friday, the anointed candidate would go round the wards distributing food items ranging from a mudu of rice, a bottle of oil and a cup of salt to a bag of rice per household depending on the position.

The people are then told to stay at home and cook their rice on Saturday. The politicians allocate figures to themselves and INEC declares a winner based on figures submitted to it.

I actually stayed to witness elections, AK-style. I was around the Ewett Housing Estate and there was a polling booth right across the road from the house. I sat in front of the house reading a book from morning till evening. Apart from a few people who obviously came around to confirm that there was nobody at the polling station, nobody came around. Not even INEC officials! And yet they announced results.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record ... E no make sense.

Holy Moses!

2008-04-11T10:12:00.000+01:00

He was murdered. By 'unknown assailants' the report said.
But GOD knows them.
And maybe he did too. Or maybe not.
Obviously they knew him not.
Or they wouldn't have killed him.

Memories are all we have now. I still remember him.

1988.
We met back then at our initiation as the newest members of the Supremost Komradium The Keggites Klub (a.k.a Palmwine Drinkerds Club) at the Moda Shrine (Ilya Ovia) very close to the School of Dentistry, UNIBEN. It was a 'wet tapping'. He was a dark quiet guy. He talked with a slight stutter. Maybe that was why he usually kept quiet.

With some other new Comrads, we got talking and introduced ourselves.

'Hi, I'm Nimmo. Yada yada yada yada yada ...'.

We gave and received the one-finger-salute.

'Hi, I'm Moses.'

A 'wet tapping' is a meeting of the Komradium where the palmwine flows freely but Moses did not drink. A Keggite who does not drink was called 'Holy'. He was a 'Holy'. Holy Moses.

('H-o-l-y M-o-s-e-s' was also an exclamation made popular by the character Mr. B in Ken Saro Wiwa's sitcom of the 80s, Basi & Company).

1990-ish.
I remember the Parliament of the UNIBEN Student Union Government. This was during the period of Joseph Okonmah as President UNIBEN-SUG, his impeachment and removal from office.

Members of the Parliament are addressed formally as 'Honorable' followed by the member's surname. Except Moses. Everybody called him 'Honorable Holy Moses'. At some point, even the Speaker got tired of correcting Parliamentarians on the formal mode of address. Honorable Holy Moses had the floor a lot that night.

After we left school, we met severally in Lagos particularly around Ojuelegba where he lived with his family. He was a banker. And from what I gathered, he was one of the whiz kids of the industry with a fast rising profile.

Last time I saw him was in January. I was crossing the road to my car parked on Tejuosho Road, by the FCMB branch there, when a car swerved and parked close to me on the kerb.

'Who be dis person who wan oppress me with new motor so? Person no fit waka for leg again?'.

It was a new Toyota Corolla painted in the colors of a particular bank.

'Baba Nimmo What-I-saw'.

Very few people called me that. I looked closely and recognized him.

'Holy Moses! Wetin dey happen? Omo, dis na new one o. Don't tell me you have changed bank again.'

'Omo na so o but my branch still dey Apapa sha.'

He gave me his card. We talked some more. About our families. About the other friends with whom we had lost contact. About the need to keep in touch.

On Wednesday, I got to the office and saw it in the papers. A full page notice by a Committee of Friends. I called a few people if it was true. They confirmed it. It is true.

Adieu Moses Leseremejuma Ejueyitchie. 1967-2008.

Holy Moses.

E No Make Sense 2

2008-04-08T16:37:00.000+01:00

After going through the comments on my last post, I went straight Solomonsydelle's and as usual she had laid out all the topics I wanted to rant about in an orderly fashion. Almost in alphabetical order. LOL.

Now everybody knows that I am a serious person. Well, at least you know, abi? I am not one to trivialize a serious issue particularly one that involves lives and reputations of people, right?

But sometimes, some things dont just make sense to me so I ask questions maybe I can deduce something therefrom. I arrange things into some kind of sequence and try to extract logic from that.

I have always said that I am not as bright as I look, so please bear with me.

Take for instance:

1. THE MYSTERY OF THE MISSING AIRCRAFT (Quote. Unquote. Solomonsydelle)

Now, walk with me through this:

James Onanefe Ibori, former Governor of Delta state is on trial for corruption and embezzlement while in office. He is reputed to have purchased practically everything purchasable between Asaba and Jo'burg and also in the USA. Including a Beechcraft plane among other crafts.

Over two weeks ago, the said Beechcraft plane (we were told) went off radar on a routine flight to Cross Rivers state to pick up the Governor Liyel Imoke who was going to Abuja to appear before the House Committee probing the expenditure of over $16 billion in five years by the last government of which he was a part, severally as Technical Adviser, Special Adviser, Head Technical Action Committee and Minister of Power and Steel. In short sha, the plane disappeared.

About twenty-four hours later, the Minister for Aviation as the competent Minister, announced that the wreckage of the crashed plane had been found by some villagers near Obudu, Cross River state and they were deploying emergency rescue teams to the site of the crash.

About twenty four hours later, the Ministry of Aviation retracted this story, saying that the Minister was misled into believing that the said crash site was of the plane in question. So, the plane did not crash, then what happened?

Several speculations, most plausible of which include:
- The plane strayed off-course and crashed in the deep rain forest jungles of Obudu far from civilization.
- The plane strayed off-course and crashed somewhere along the Nigeria-Cameroun border or in the Cameroun Mountains. Also, far from civilization.
- The plane strayed off-course and into Cameroun's security zone and was shot down by the Cameroun military forces.

Please note that all these speculations are going on in Nigeria in the 21st century! All the above would have made sense but for the following:

- If the said site reported by the villagers was not of the plane, then what happened there? Villagers are not stupid people. They were probably looking forward to a bounty or reward of some kind. Something must have happened at that site for them to call attention to it. There was probably a wreckage of something. What was it? A truck? Another plane? If so, which plane? What happened to it? When did it crash? How and why didn't the Ministry know about it?
- If the plane crashed in the forests, someone would have seen or heard it drop. A plane cannot crash without a noise. Even villagers know the difference between a plane in flight and one in distress. At least they know the sound of a crash and I dont think could have crashed without a sound. No matter how small it is, it is still bigger than most SUV.
- The most ludicrous is the one that the Cameroun military shot down the plane. In the first plane, it was a civilian plane and the Camerounians could see that. At worst, they would force it to land using military planes to guide it. Even if they shot it down in error, they are bound by conventions to report it. And even if they refused to do so, the Nigerian Intelligence Service has enough operatives on ground inside Cameroun to ferret out such information.

(OK, you probably did not know that the NIS exists right?)

Even if all the above can be explained away.

The plane had three crew members including the pilot on board. Nigerians all. Those guys are/were the breadwinners of their respective families and two weeks after they disappeared, no one from their families had gone to press with some story or the other. Omo eni ku, san ju omo eni so'nu lo.
We worry more over a lost child than a dead one. At least in death there is a certainty of the child's condition.

With the Nigerian's legendary penchant for theatrics, we have not had Professional Mourners Clubs paying daily pilgrimages to their respective homes to offer their condolences, real and imagined.

Are the crew of that Beechcraft plane dead or alive?

What exactly was that Beechcraft plane carrying? What was its cargo?

As if all that was not enough, just last weekend, James Onanefe Ibori, owner of the said Beechcraft plane - who had been known (actually thought) to be an Obasanjo acolyte and was actually very instrumental in the emergence of President UMYA as PDP candidate- was in a gathering that included Atiku Abubakar, former Vice President and Obasanjo's nemesis among other politicians at an event largely organized to dishonor Obasanjo.

He laughed like no man's business. He did not look like someone who'd just lost a plane.

Maybe its just me but e no make sense.

E no make sense at all.

E No Make Sense

2008-04-01T17:20:00.000+01:00

Someone please help me to make sense of this.

When a patient dies, the Doctor could be liable for the death if she was found to be negligent in performance of her duties. The Doctor could go to jail and lose her license/practice.

A Teacher can lose his job when his students fail in their exams and he is found to be negligent. Even for an offence like groping a student or even selling handouts.

A Lawyer can be disbarred and lose his practice for conducts adjudged to be unprofessional.

Managers get fired everyday for performing below par or failing to meet agreed objectives.

Even sports people lose their places in the team or their positions and rankings due to a drop in performance. Clubs get relegated. Champions have their belts withdrawn.

But what happens when INEC messes up the elections in a whole state?

Simple.

Give Iwu another 3 Billion Naira to organize 'fresh' elections!

Who is responsible for elections in Nigeria?

You mean you can decide to waste billions of Naira in organizing an election, run the elections like no man business and if anybody complains, tell them to go to court. If the courts nullify the elections and order a rerun, you simply present a fresh bill of quantities to the Treasury. Just like that.

I think there should be a law that if the results of an election is canceled even in an LG Ward, whoever was in charge should be summarily dismissed from whatever service without benefits. (Most INEC officials are career public servants on secondment.)And should be tried for sabotage.

Maybe the position of INEC Chairman should be rotated among the states, with each state guaranteeing its candidate to do a good job. In event of failure, the state will pay back to the nation the total amount expended on the election or the part considered flawed. Since the money is from deductions, each state has the option to sue the INEC Chairman.

From the Polling Station Officer to the INEC Chairman, each of them is liable for what happens in his area of jurisdiction/authority. Enough jail terms, without options of fines should be prescribed.

Maybe they will take elections more seriously. Maybe they will take the lives of Nigerians more seriously.

Maybe we should even privatize elections organization in Nigeria. Let companies bid for it and hold them according to agreed objectives and with specific milestones/performance indices. Failing which they dont get paid.

What happened in Kogi state this past weekend and will repeat itself in Adamawa and most likely Edo state too is a travesty of justice. The people just went to the polls again and elected Idris again. But who removed Audu's name from the ballot in the first place? Why? The buck must stop at someone's table. He must at least tell the nation why he did what he did.

Who is responsible? Why was nobody punished?

Well, somebody was punished, the people of Kogi state. Nigerians all.

And His Names Are ...

2008-03-28T16:36:00.000+01:00

I must thank you all for your congrats and best wishes. And for the names too. In my family, there had always been this tradition of everybody giving a baby a name.

I can remember my Dad introducing to someone and saying something like
'She was the one who gave you the name XYZ? or 'Why do you think you are called ABC? He gave you the name!'. The child has a family name which is 'given' by the father (long story) and the Mother gives any number of names she wants. The grandparents, aunties, uncles and then friends of the family. Usually, friends give names in their own language.

One rule though: A son cannot bear the same first name as his father.

And 'Junior' is not a name.

In all, I think I had about 70 names of different origins/languages etc including Sebastian, which I dont like at all. My first son had 43 names including Abu Rafiq which was given to him by my Lebanese colleagues after the slain former Lebanese PM Rafiq Hariri.

And so, his names are:

Ademayowa
Adedeji
Olubukunola
Unwanaobong
Moyosooretoluwasefunmi (What? Don't look at me, thats from the Mother!)
Kwaku
Ndidiamaka
Effiong
Olaoluwakiitan (I think Jinta, 36 and Naapali share the honors here)
Onetoritsebawoete (Thats Black007)
Ademide
Olumide (I sincerely hope that my son gets to meet Auntie 36-inches someday. There would be an introduction that day!)
Ekemini
Abasiama
Ewezu
Kanu
Raheim
Rami
(*Space)
(*Space)
(*Space)
(*Space)

I cannot believe that I have been away from the Internet for a whole week. My Internet subscription at home lapsed on Thursday but I was just so occupied with the new baby that I did not renew it. Abi, na Internet the baby go chop?

I was there in the labor room and had some pictures and videos on my phone of the baby barely an hour after he was born but I just cant seem to connect the phone to the PC via cable! I have tried to use infrared, whosai? and the phone does not have blue tooth. I will put the pictures up as soon as I have them ready.

One thing though. You know in the past babies were born with their eyes closed and usually stays closed for up to a month before they open their eyes. Barely twenty minutes after he was born my son had opened his eyes! And the Doctors said it was normal. Children of nowadays.

I also think that constitutional provisions should be made for a fully paid 'paternity leave' for working fathers too. At least we were in the labor room together, we sleep in the same room with the baby abi?

Na Boy!: And His Name Shall Be Called .....

2008-03-20T10:52:00.000+01:00

Da La Luz

For unto us a bouncing baby boy was born. Wednesday 19th March 2008 at 1100 Hours. Mother and baby are doing very well, Father has been detained by the Doctors for observation due to over excitement.

As is Yoruba custom, the isomoloruko (naming ceremony) will come up in eight days time and I usually allow all friends of the family to give names to the newborn.

So peeps, its time to start sending the names. I am collecting. Give the child a name.

Many thanx.

.... That We May Have The Good Life ....

2008-03-17T12:09:00.000+01:00

This is further to the post on GNaija's blog and my comments thereon.

Most of our (grand)parents have/had lived through two great wars - WW2 and the Civil War - and were witnesses to the attendant deprivations. They did not want their children to go through same. They were witnesses to the struggle for independence and the eventual attainment of that goal.

After independence, the challenge of our (grand)parents was to pass on a high quality of life to their children. A qualify of life most of them never had but they knew was possible. If only they could raise their children to know what the white man knew. Building this new society called for more doctors, more lawyers, more engineers.

So they struggled to give their children an education to achieve their goals. So our parents became the doctors, the lawyers, the administrators and shortly after, they too became parents.

It is not in question if our parents had artistic talents. A generation that produced Soyinka, Achebe, Fela, Onabrakpeya and Ogunde could not but have had it. But for every Soyinka there must have been at least a thousand others good writers who became engineers or doctors. For every Achebe, would have been at least a thousand businessmen with fine painting skills. And Fela could have become just another manager in UAC.

There were a lot of talents but they had to survive first. And survival meant getting a degree in medicine, engineering or whatnot. Getting a 'good' job and then working hard at providing the good life for your family.

It is true that we do not have the same challenges as they had. Our generation can afford to pursue our artistic (and otherwise) dreams because they have provided for us. They had cleared the bush for us to plant.

As I had said, we will be ungrateful if we do not recognize their sacrifices for us. They sacrificed their dreams - and happiness - that we might have the good life. That we might have the luxury of dreams. That we might nurture our talents and become all that we can be.

You know, every time I hear Tuface sing, I remember Felix Lebarty of the 'Am Your Lover Boy, Lover Boy, Boy-y-y, Am Your Boyfriend' fame. He was one of the few Nigerian acts to sell a million records and go platinum. Last I heard, he was selling cars.

Asa reminds me of Martha Ulaeto. Martha who? you'd probably ask. She was an artiste in the 80s and sang ballads back then. She actually had a song - 'African Life' back then. God knows where she's at now. (New and correct information: The song was 'Africa Rise' and there's more info on Martha here. Also, listen to the song there too. Go there people, I recommend it. Many thanx to Comb&Razor!)

And there was Prince Nico Mbarga. Remember 'Sweet Mother, I no go forget you ...'. Probably still the highest selling Nigerian act ever. Last we heard, he died on an okada in Calabar.

Will There Ever Be A Black James Bond?

2008-03-12T13:31:00.000+01:00

I can remember the following conversation (or something quite close) between my father, Perry A and the nine/ten year old Nimmo.

Perry A: .... Look, the British people take this their James Bond very seriously so they cannot allow anybody who is not one to act James Bond.
Nimmo: But I can do anything anybody else can do. I can shoot and I can say 'My name is Bond, James Bond' in any accent they want and even you say I do it better than anyone else...
Perry A: I know you do but ...
Nimmo: ... but George Lazenby is not British now and he did James Bond.
Perry A: Understand that Lazenby is an Australian, so technically he's still British.
Nimmo: So what does he have that I dont have?
Perry A: For one, he's white and you're not!

Ouch! I cried that day ehn! You would think someone killed me.

The Spy Who Loved Me
Ever since I could watch and understand movies, I have wanted to be James Bond. Later, I read all the James Bond books by Ian Fleming in my father's library and more. I wanted to be James Bond so much that I could repeat everything James Bond said in two movies 'Goldfinger' and 'Live and Let Die' which were the first two I watched and watched so often that the VHS tapes practically faded on me.

Live And Let Die
I hounded neighbors into exchanging films with me by loading my offers. I can remember offering one guy all the cassettes we had just to have their copy of 'Thunderball'. Even if he had wanted the TV, I would have offered. And there was the girl who gave me 'The Spy Who Loved Me' -it had just come out then- and asked me to return it in two hours! I ran like a mad man that day.

The World Is Not Enough
For those who know and even for those who don't, James Bond is the bomb! Almost fifty years after the first movie, he's still selling like hot cakes and the 22nd James Bond film - Quantum of Solace- is coming out this November starring Daniel Craig. The movies are reported to have grossed about eleven billion dollars in box office takings since 1962! It was the highest selling movie series of all time - until Harry Potter.

The Man With The Golden Gun
What exactly was there to love about James Bond? Everything, I would say. He is the quintessential action hero. Someone described it thus: In an action movie, ... the hero may be shaken, but never stirred. In an action film the hero should always remain calm, collected, he does not show fear ...

And then there were the Bond Girls. Damn! Their names alone was enough to give a teenager wet dreams. I still think such names could only have come from a highly sexed, masculine mind. Haba! With names like these ...

Imagine the ones like:
Mary Goodnight, Moneypenny, Solitaire, May Day, or Giacinta 'Jinx' Johnson

To the ones like:
Kissy Suzuki, Plenty O'Toole, Holly Goodhead, Penny Smallbone(r?), Molly Warmflesh (sp?), Honey Rider, Octopussy (!), and Pussy Galore (Damn!)

All Bond girls are, almost by definition, beautiful and follow a fairly well-developed pattern of beauty. They have splendid figures and make their appearances in evening wear, in bra and panties and sometimes, naked.

The delectable Halle Berry was already on my list of all time greats as far as female actors were concerned, but when she pulled off that performance as Jinx in Die Another Day, she booked her place among the legends in my estimation. Permanently.

So far only two Bond girls have been black - Berry above and Grace Jones as May Day in A view To A Kill -, but never a black James Bond. The thing dey pain me o.
(Correction: I missed out Gloria Hendry who was actually the very first Bond Girl who was black as Rosie Carver in 'Live And Let Die'. Thanks Allied and Solomonsydelle for the info.)

Safari for Spies
As with everything, the Americans have tried to come out with their own version of James Bond for a long time without much success.

Derek Flint (Our Man Flint; In Like Flint) had tried but James Corburn just didn't have the appeal or rather the movies story lines were just too phoney, too contrived to really gel with audiences. Unlike Bond who makes some stupid mistakes sometimes, Flint was just too 'perfect' for someone like me.

Nicholas J. Huntington Carter III, KillMaster, AXE Agent N3 would probably have been a hit if someone had been bold enough to put it in film. (The name Nick Carter was a pseudonym the writer Valerie Moolman got from a 19th century detective comic strip (itself modeled after Sherlock Holmes). A Nick Carter movie would probably have been rated XXX. And the guy lie lie too much.

But really, will there ever be a black James Bond?

As I grew older I lost my fascination for wanting to be James Bond and settled to being other things particularly when I discovered the Pacesetters series which had action heroes I could actually hope to 'become' like Commander Jack Ebony in 'The Mark of the Cobra' by Valentine Alily (Henri Valentino) or Agent Debomi Davies in 'Symphony of Destruction'. There was also Agent Benni Kamba 009 in 'The Equatorial Assignment' though can't remember who wrote that now.

When I saw a link on Unnaked's post about ablackjamesbond, I was curious. I clicked the link and went to read. The first think that caught my attention was the picture header. Cool dude in agbada sandwiched between two ladies, one carrying a sakabula (dane gun)and the other a pashan (whip) (?).

My own interpretation of the picture, whats yours?

Really, Does This Prove Anything?

2008-03-05T10:55:00.000+01:00

Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men. Really.

Saw this and just had to share.

And The Doctor Says .....

2008-02-29T14:06:00.000+01:00

.... EDD is in about 30 days (24 days more like).

I was in the hospital yesterday with Wifey for ante-natal. They did all the tests and said everything was OK. At the scan session, they wouldn't tell me the sex of the child.

Why do Doctors in Nigeria do that?

They are just being careful someone told me. My friend Aristo was told after a scan that his wife was gonna have a girl but surprise, surprise, she had a baby boy a month later. He wanted to sue the hospital as they had gone shopping for girlie stuff. Probably had even started calculating how much he will be charging as bride-price when he launches an 'IPO' in about 18 to 20 years. Baby girl na big investment.

The wife claimed a miracle but the medical explanation was that due to the position of the baby at the time of the scan, it was impossible to see the penis so the Cuban Doctor declared the foetus a girl.

'See. No prick!'.

Its still a joke here.

I wished for a girl as my first child (for all the right reasons including the investment one) but after one very long discussion with my father-law, who had four daughters, no sons, I changed my plea to GOD.

And GOD agreed.

'Na Boy!' was the text I sent out to everybody on my phone that day.

The man converted his whole house into a nursery for his grandson. If he had his way, Mak would live with him. He was happy. And I was happy he was happy.

GOD knows I have tried.

The House That Iwu Built.....

2008-02-26T09:51:00.000+01:00

.... is crumbling like a pack of cards.

On Saturday, it was (Senate President) David Mark, then (Governor) Theodore Orji. There had been several before them.

Is (President) UMYA next?

Today is 'Super Tuesday' in Nigeria, when the Tribunal will speak on the Presidential Elections.

I know Solomonsydelle will have something to say about this. Let me go read.

I'm Loving This Girl Right Now

2008-02-22T18:24:00.000+01:00

She looks like Tracy Chapman. Sounds like Alicia Keys/Corrine Bailey Rae with full amala flavour. (Probably on paraga or some other Yoruba concoction.)

I don't know why it took me so long to 'discover' her music given that I actually met her about two years ago but by then she was a novelty sort of, an unknown quantity then. Now I read some very good reviews about her on Youtube and all, the girl done done good. I even have her song on my phone as ring tone.

It was funny reading how she came by the name 'Asa' . Yoruba being a tonal language, the same word Asa (Asha) could mean several things depending on the tonal stress in pronunciation such as:

Asa (d:m:) - Hawk; Falcon
Asa (r:r:) - Vagabond, Rebel
Asa (r:m:) - Barren, overused
Asa (d:d:) - Habit, custom

She uses the first one, meaning Hawk.

It is very rare to buy a CD and actually like all the songs on it but I am gbaduning this girl so much right now its unbelievable. All her songs just do me one way or the other but none like 'Bibanke'. And you can't but smile at the satire in Awe - a song about Waidi, son of Sekina, who impregnates a woman old enough to be his mother. Its been some time since we had an artiste who sings and the audience so connects.

Some critics and reviewers have translated the Yoruba word Bibanke (misspelled deliberately, I believe) to mean 'When I cry' but rather it means 'If i cry'. The Yoruba word 'Bi' as an adverb denotes choice while the adverb 'Ti' (as in Ni igba ti) denotes time. Thus 'When I cry' would have been 'Ti m'ba n'ke' and 'Bi m'ba n'ke' is 'If I cry'.

Q: Nimmo.
A: Ehn?
Q: Who send you all these Yorubanalysis you are doing now?
A: Abeg, no mind me jare. Na so e dey do me sometimes. Asa, joo gbe'lu soke! (Asa, raise the beat)

Biiibanke-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e [If I cry]
B'ójo ba n'ro [And the tears fall as rain]
Fi mi si'le [Leave me alone]

Baby Please One More Time...

2008-02-22T17:45:00.000+01:00

I must ask your forgiveness for taking so long to update and particularly to Afrobabe, QoMC,DL, RDiva, TDiva, Indy and others who had asked me to update but not write about football.

Well, I am updating but its a football update. The original title of this post was to be 'Fare gut, Herr Vogts' (Farewell, Herr Vogts), but I couldn't resist the above. So please Baby, just one more time .....

Just in case you don't know yet, Bertie Vogts is no longer the Coach of Nigeria's Super Eagles and thats official. There are conflicting reports whether he resigned or was asked to resign or was fired. Any which way, he's out.

When I wrote about this after our loss to Ghana, I didn't know it would turn out to be rather prophetic, I was just writing out of my own disappointment and I know Nigerians don't like being disappointed.

While some say he did his best with the team and all that, the basic truth is just that Vogts was not the right man for the job. There was no fit. Someone summarized it thus in the Guardian of today:

'Vogts is a typical German. He was able to instill some discipline in team but did not properly understand the mentality of the African player and how to bring out the best in him...'. Just like I said.

Vogts failed. End of story.

Next.

Where Eagles Dare

2008-02-04T18:05:00.000+01:00

Its no longer news that Nigeria has crashed out of the 26th ACN in Ghana and to Ghana's Black Stars.

The Fourteen Years Theory was beginning to look good after Nigeria was able to qualify from the Group stages due to a fluke. Several commentators had gone to town with all sorts of permutations both logical and illogical- and trust us Nigerians, we love to make up good stories.

One particularly good one was about 'Injured Skippers' that goes thus: It somehow was revealed that at the 1980 ACN Skipper Christian Chukwu was actually nursing an injury but because of his enormous influence on the players - most of who were from his Rangers International FC, Coach Otto Gloria had to keep him on the team and he played all the matches in the ACN that year when Nigeria won.

In 1994, Skipper Stephen Keshi was injured even before the ACN in Tunisia but because of his charisma, the Coach Clemens Westerhof put him in the team and actually dressed him for all the matches even though he never got to kick the ball. He was always in track bottoms until the last match when he took them off and collected the Captain's band from the substantive captain Austin Eguavoen in order to receive the trophy.

In 2008, Skipper Nwankwo Kanu was injured in the very first match against Ivory Coast and he was not likely to recover anytime soon. Presto! That was all that the Fourteen Year Theorists needed. Notice that Kanu was actually dressed for that match against Ghana even though we all knew he could not play. Probably as a psychological tonic for the boys.

But alas! The Fourteen Year Theory failed. Nigeria crashed out for the first time at the quarter-finals of an ACN.

The match itself lived up to its billing. It had been tagged The Fiftieth World War (WW50) by the press. It is the fiftieth time Nigeria and Ghana would be meeting in a football match both competitive and otherwise. And every time the two sides meet, it is war! There is nothing like a 'friendly' match between Nigeria and Ghana. The rivalry is so intense that many Nigerians are actually relieved that we lost to Ghana and not any other team in the competition. 'Our time will come' is the consolation. As it stands now Ghana has won 18; Nigeria won 17 with 15 drawn games. It was 17-17-15 as at kickoff. I sincerely don't know where they got these stats but it was repeated several times during commentaries.

I'm pretty sure Herr Berti Vogts did not know what he was getting himself into when he took this job but now he should have an idea. One could notice some changes in the pattern of play particularly after the Mali misadventure when Nigeria fielded a whole 5 (five!) attackers while Mali fielded five midfielders and none of them could find the goals! It was laughable!

I had never thought I would live to see the day that Nigerians would rejoice over defeating their Beninois neighbors by a mere two goals to nothing but saw it I did. Nigerians actually popped champagne because of that. I mean, just when did we come to this? Its a scandal!

If I was impressed by the little improvement in the team after they reverted back to Wingplay, it was shortlived because of the horrendous changes made by Herr Vogts.

It was a delight watching Osaze Odemwingie running on the flanks in the match against Ghana. The Ghanaians had a tough time keeping up with him and he switched from the right to the left so often that he frustrated the Ghanaian captain John Mensah into committing a red carded foul. The new boy, Uche Ikechukwu was also a sensation. Thank God the Spaniards did not get him to play for them. It would have been a great loss to Nigeria.

Danny Shittu was very mobile even with his bulk and he was very good at checking the Ghanaian attackers. One would have loved to see him more in a libero role but he had to fall back too often to cover up for Taye Taiwo. And the bros in the middle that was supposed to do the finishing was absent most of the time except when Uche presented him with a penalty kick to score from. Yakubu Ayegbeni was a disappointment.

What we need is someone in the mould of a Rashidi Yekini, a finisher par excellence or even a Victor Agali. Someone with a nose for goals. Ayegbeni seems only to perform against slow defenders and Martins was just not effective in Vogts 4-3-3 pattern. Mikel Obi was very effective in the middle and Dickson Etuhu was also very effective as his silent assistant though we didn't notice that until when Etuhu was injured.

Against a formidable midfield with Michael Essien, Sulleyman Muntari and Gyang, it was not a mean feat for the young men to cope and contain the Ghanaians but when Etuhu had to go out,(the game was at a 1-1 draw and we obviously needed more goals) and Herr Vogts replaced him with Richard Eromoigbe, a defensive midfielder who actually played right full back at the last ACN - I wondered 'What was he smoking?'

When we were one goal behind, (and the Ghanaians were down to ten men) he removed Mikel Obi and brought in Obi Nsofor who really had no role to play in the match, the guy just kept running around (I don't want to say like a headless chicken). Even Kanu was disgusted, you could see it on his face. I mean, where did they get this guy from?

Take nothing away from the Ghanaians. Michael Essien was a very effective leader in the team even before he put on the captains band and when he moved back to replace the ousted J. Mensah, I was expecting the Eagles to over run the midfield by simple majority but Essien did a yeoman's job there. I was impressed.

Even that Ghanaian joke called 'Junior'Agogo stepped up his game a notch against Nigeria. The commentators had said what Agogo lacked in technique he made up with 'gra gra'. His 'gra gra' eventually paid off as he scored the second goal from beside a flat footed Taye Taiwo.

As for me, immediately the referee raised up his hands and blew the final whistle, I just switched channels to watch 'Desperate Housewives' Season 4.

The Way We Play

2008-01-24T16:03:00.000+01:00

When I read bloggers who say they use their blogging as therapy, I wondered but now I have realized some truth in it. I do use blogging for therapy too. Going through my posts for last year, they were mostly rants. I blog when I'm happy. I blog when I'm mad at something or someone. Yeah. Its therapy. And its free.

My last post was something else. As you all know - even those who are not fans of African football {soccer for those who don't speak English})- The 26th African Cup of Nations (ACN) is going on in Ghana and Nigeria is participating.

In fact, some people predict that Nigeria will win the cup going by some '14 years' permutation. Nigeria won the cup twice in 1980 and 1994, 2008 is fourteen years since the last victory, so ... what happens to Ghana, Cameroun who had won it back to back before? Or Egypt, who are also current champions. Well, since I'm yet to get that memo, I am still watching.

Our first match with Ivory Coast ended in a 1-0 loss for Nigeria on a night when it looked like I was watching a strange team play. I looked again. The players were Nigerians alright, but the pattern was wrong! My darling Super Eagles playing without wingers? My heart almost stopped about the 20th minute when John Utaka picked up the ball from the right flank and ran towards the center of the pitch! What was he thinking? Obviously he was playing to instructions from the German coach, Berti Vogts.

Take nothing away from the Ivoriens, they played very fluid football with their midfield as pivot but thats what should have made them easy to beat. Kanu and Mikel could hold ten of them in the middle any day; Just to take the ball to the sides and run rings round them. Simple! (As any Nigerian will tell you ;)). After the goal the Ivoriens simply went into defence with up to ten men behind the ball at any time.

I have a problem with German coaches for our national teams. Ironically, Nigeria's first ACN victory in 1980 was under a German coach, Otto Gloria but people - well, my father mainly- said he inherited a good team built largely by his predecessor, the Yugoslav monk, Father Tiko. He is also credited with the introduction of foreign-based and foreign players into the Nigerian team. The team had two Ghanaians in the line up; funny nobody remembers them now.

Otto Gloria was smart. He simply adapted to the team he met and added a few 'foreign' ingredients to make his job a success. Other German coaches after him do not seem so smart after all.

German coaches particularly seem to want to impose their own 'German formations' and 'German systems' on Nigerian footballers. And when they fail, they blame it on 'discipline'. It has nothing to do with 'discipline'. Not until the late 1980s did Nigerians begin to see football as anything but a pastime. It was something you do when you are not doing 'real' work. Its enjoyment. Simple.

And, we have a way we play the game.

Just as any group of eleven Brazilians will play their 'samba' football and any group of eleven Britishers will play their 'kick and follow'; pick any group of eleven Nigerians (male or female) to play football and we run on the wings. Its the way we play.

Its even said that Nigerians can play the game with just 8 players. Four guys at the back, one on the left wing; one on the right wing; one guy upfront and one guy running down the middle to do damage. You may or may not add a goalkeeper.

I don't know why the Germans don't get it. They always try to impose one strange formation or the other. They don't understand the Nigerian pattern of play so they try to bring in theirs and it usually always ends in frustrations and failures for the coach and a waste of time for the country.

Manfred Honer tried it in the late eighties and it led to an open rebellion by the players. He left the country without even packing his bags. The Frenchman, Phillipe Troussier tried to be too 'German' for his own good by insisting on his strange 3-5-2 formation which they said worked well in Ivory Coast but hey, we are not Ivoriens. Much as he was liked, he lost out to 'player power'.

The self-styled 'Dutchgerian', Clemens Westerhof is probably the most successful coach of the Nigerian national team because he came, he saw, he adapted. Before coming to Nigeria, he was just a small time coach in a village in his native Holland but when given the opportunity, he studied and understood the politics that surrounds everything in Nigeria.

He introduced power into our 'wingplay'; our wingers ran faster and delivered 'pull outs' more accurately. He adapted the Dutch 'mass attack, mass defence' system to originate from the back to the wings to the center and it can go from 4-4-2 to 3-5-2 to whatever in the same wave. Many theorists said Nigeria had no pattern of play known in football, so we said 'No-pattern? That's our pattern'.

He was also known to be good at motivating his players and there are stories of the occasional joint being passed round in the dressing room at half time. Hey, anything to keep up team spirit right?

On his watch, Nigeria won the ACN in 1994 and qualified for the World Cup for the first time ever, at USA 94. Also attained Nigeria's highest ever ranking of being Number 4 in the world. And the world took notice of Nigerian football. That team is still considered the greatest Nigerian football team ever!

When Nigerians complained of not seeing enough of their team because they always 'trained' in Europe, he brought in his compatriot Johannes Bonfrere who did the actual training while Westerhof played the politics. As taciturn as Westerhof is loquacious, Bonfrere Jo was a silent worker. Nigeria won the Olympic gold for football under him at Atlanta 96.

Now will this German learn anything from history? I sincerely hope so. News from Ghana has it that he had been 'spoken to' and we would revert to our natural wingplay from the next match against Mali tomorrow. I sincerely hope Berti Vogts is as smart as Otto Gloria. If not ... as he is reputed to be one of the highest paid coaches in the world, he could be on his way out.

Its The Wings Stupid!

2008-01-22T09:04:00.000+01:00

Will someone please tell that idiot German that an eagle cannot fly without its wings. We had no business losing that match.

I am still upset.

Nimmo

Port Harcourt, Calabar & Matters Arising

2007-12-24T14:41:00.000+01:00

So I was in Port Harcourt for the ECK African Seminar. It was a blast. There were so many people even Port Harcourt knew something was happening. There was a heavy police presence in the city and around the Temple for the period, I guess because of the number of foreigners at the Seminar.

The roads between Lagos and Benin were nothing to write home about as usual and we spent about sixteen hours on the road. As I couldn't see myself putting down fifty thousand Naira per head for a flight to and from PH by Virgin or Arik Air, I had to use ABC Transport. N50K for a flight within Nigeria is sheer exploitation! Luckily the PH Airport would be opened by last week.

When the current Minister of Transport Dr. Allison-Maduekwe inspected the roads some time ago, the woman was shocked at the state of the road. One cant blame her, she always had Shell helicopters and chartered flights and never really needed to travel by road all along. But she did the civilized thing. She apologized.

Fani-Kayode would probably have cussed us out for complaining about bad roads. Mr. Fix-It of Uromi, who as Minister, collected money for the roads used it to fix other things but the roads. He is yet to apologize. Or be prosecuted. I hope the EFCC will get to that case someday.

From PH, we moved to Calabar. Now thats a city that really knows how to enjoy the holidays. You probably heard of the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' but in Calabar - and indeed the whole Cross River State- there are THIRTY days of Christmas starting from the first of December all through to the end of the year. This city lives up to its name - Come And Live And Be At Rest.

Calabar combines the ancient and the modern. If you want to celebrate Christmas in its rustic form (as we used to know it), come to Calabar for nostalgia. Even if you are very modernistic, still come.

Unfortunately, I couldn't stay beyond two days as I had to hurry back to Lagos for a meeting on Thursday. The meeting portend some good changes in the new year though that remains to be seen.

ARISTO UPDATE: I took Solomonsydelle's suggestion with thanks, and advised my friend Aristo, to take his wife to South Africa for the hols and buy her the biggest rock he could find there. While we were at it, I slipped him the address of my cousin who is a Diamond Broker with De Beers of South Africa. Of course he made the sale. And I get my cut.

What?! Why are you rolling your eyes? Its called Consultancy.

Besides, am I not just being my brothers' keeper?

Happy holidays, y'all!

ECK African Seminar 2007

2007-12-13T15:57:00.001+01:00

The ECK African Seminar will be holding this weekend from Friday 14th to Sunday 16th December 2007 at the Temple of ECK, Obi Wali (Temple) Road, Rumuigbo, Port Harcourt, Nigeria. ECKists (members of ECKANKAR) from about sixteen African countries as well as the US and EU will be there.

The theme of the seminar is 'Discover The Secret Wisdom of Dreams' and the featured speaker is Mike DeLuca who will represent Sri Harold Klemp. There will be many other speakers during the course of the weekend too.

So, if any of you guys happen to be in PH during this weekend, why not pop in at the Temple, learn one or two new things and who knows, we may get to meet. (Just put your nose in the air and 'smell' (thats what you do with the nose, right?) for the bespectacled guy wearing Davidoff Cool Water).

To get to the Temple no hard at all. From any where in PH, call a cab (or bike) and just say 'Temple!'. There is only one.

I look forward to seeing ya face in da place! (Been a long time since I used that)

OK. Please, please do come! You will?. Oh, Thank you.

Nimmo

Re: Why Women Cheat ...

2007-12-11T17:09:00.000+01:00

This is a rant directly inspired by da Queen QoMC of the same title and my comment on it. You would notice that my comment had little or nothing to do with the post; it was just something on my mind at the time.

I have this friend who I call 'Aristo'. You guessed why; he's almost always in UNILAG! We both had our postgraduate studies in UNILAG about five years ago and at that time we did the Moremi-New Hall-Tinubu rounds together even though he was married then and I was not. (OK. Blame me for aiding and abetting but hear me out first)

We finished PG since 2002 and the last time I was in UNILAG was for a meeting (I swear) but Aristo no gree leave UNILAG o! Every year he's there running one course or the other and he's lucky he's got a stature that belies his age. After almost a decade of married life, he still looks like he's just out of school. He's got a good wife, three beautiful children and a very good job. He should be happy, right?

Aristo always has a program in UNILAG and he specializes in final year babes so that most times he breaks up with them when they graduate and go on youth service. He never hits the same department or faculty twice in a row and so far he's not been caught in his game. He introduced a babe to me last year as his fiancee and she was smiling like a christmas goat. I pitied her.

Every year he sends his family abroad for holidays or just for the fun of it and that gives him room to play the 'bachelor' game. If you visit him at home during this time, you would never believe he was ever married. Sometimes, the 'fiancee' even comes to stay a weekend or two.

Last week the bubble burst. Ironically, it was not over a UNILAG babe but a LASU babe. Stupid Girl came over to his house and his wife was there but she probably thought the wife was a rival too, so she stayed to claim her 'territory''. The wife, who is usually quiet to a fault actually allowed Stupid Girl to stay in her sitting room till late! Aristo called me at about 11 pm at night to give me the whole gist. He was afraid to go home. Guess where he was.

I told him I could not back him up because whatever I do then will have a direct bearing on my relationship with his family. We agreed that he would come clean and we would do the 'crisis management' thingy.

The Wife called me the next day, as per the usual Afenifere to tell me her plight and I really couldn't but sympathize with her as she cried. These were the thoughts running through my mind

1. When her husband hits the gym, what did she think? That he's doing it for her? Men, more than anything, suffer from inertia. It is only the promise of some serious money (as in professional sportsmen) or the promise of some serious pussy that would make a man hit the gym. If any man tells you otherwise ....

2. When her husband dresses up for lectures in the latest hip-hop fashion, does she know why? He wears them so as to 'blend' better on campus. It is is the first law of the Predator, blend as much as possible with your environment. There are some clothes my wife would not allow me to wear now. She wont even discuss it, she would simply run a scissors through them, by 'accident'. Its happened before I assure you. And I learn fast.

3. When her husband goes for his never ending 'lectures' on campus, what did she think? If I want to run any course now, I actually have to apply to my wife first before applying to the school. In fact she is my Educational Counselor and Course Adviser.

Then it gets to the point at which she said -between tears- that she was going to get even. When a woman talks like that me I dont doubt her o and I told my friend so. Now he's scared.

He's been asking me what to do ever since and sincerely, me I dont know. He should just keep begging her. Abi, what else can he do?

What Does My Birthday Mean?

2007-12-05T15:50:00.000+01:00

So I went to Rayo's for the first time and there was this post about birthdays there so decided to take the plunge. You guessed right, I am a sucker for these things.

I couldn't format it to appear as it did on the page but the koko of the gist is there (with my comments).

*********************************************************************************

Your Birth date: July 28

You have a Type A personality so big it makes other Type A's shrink away in shame. (What's a Type A? Why are you rolling your eyes? I only asked a question)

You never shy away from adversity - and you love to tackle impossible problems. (Hmmm)

Failure is not an option for you, and more than a few people are put off by your ego.(Well .....)

You tend to be controlling, and you hate leaving anything up to chance. (OK. Maybe)

Your strength: Your bold approach to life

Your weakness: You don't accept help (Who? Me?)

Your power color: Bronze (I thot it was Gold! Duh?)

Your power symbol: Pyramid (??)

Your power month: October (Eziokwu? Tell me true word. October!?)

Anyway, I give them 8 per 10. Dem try small.

Nimmo

Valentine Pink or Woman's Inhumanity To Man

2007-11-22T17:16:00.000+01:00

We are about one year in our new flat and are redecorating it again. I have this thing about changing my decor ever so often. i think it has to do with energy levels or something. My wife has stopped commenting. I have repainted the house three times in one year. We had a fire in a flat above us in April and the firemen really flooded the house, is that not enough reason to repaint?

Anyway, there we were at the Dulux Color Center on Aboyade Cole, VI to buy paint and the nice Sales lady brought out a catalog and she and my wife had a small 'Beijing Conference' while I watched. Mind you, I had the colors I wanted in mind but you know this thing about women and colors. Eventually, they emerged with a verdict. For my son's room, they chose 'Valentine Pink'. I mean, I've heard of Fushcia Pink, BabyPink, Powder Pink, Ne-ne-ne Pink but Valentine Pink? Gimme a break!

Question: Bia Nimmo, what do you have a problem with? The Valentine or the Pink?
Answer: The Valentine.

I know most people have fond memories of Valentine's Day but not me. I have had my share of good and bad Valentines but I sincerely have stopped looking forward to it. Not in a very long while. I have so many Valentine stories but let me just share this one and they all revolve around the theme 'Woman's Inhumanity to Man'. Ironically, it didnt happen to me.

This happened in UNIBEN. Valentine 88 or 89, cant remember but it was reported in Kampuswatch magazine (does it still exist?). The story went thus:

There was a guy called Prince. I dont know if Prince was his first name or if he was a prince. (The way every other Bini man claims to be a prince, makes you wonder how many ruling houses they have in Benin.) Anyway, Prince had a babe we will call O'Baby (Not her real name of course).

It was Val's Day and people were just chilling particularly around the Hall One Car park. Guys in their best and Roasters like us going to class to do what our parents sent us to do in school. It was that bad, I no even get babe.

Suddenly Prince emerges with a giant pink teddy bear. You know the type about 3 feet high with 'Hug Me' or 'I love You' written across the front. Come and see commotion. Guys and babes alike were just 'oohing' and 'aaahing'. I know many guys would have turned back with their miserly Val cards they were probably taking to a babe at that time.

Na so Prince walked triumphantly with his 'burden of love' up to O'Baby's room cheered on by the crowd. The world loves lovers, y'know. It was sensational! For the whole week, everybody talked about it on campus. Then came the bombshell.

After just one week of Valentine bliss. O'Baby dumped Prince! Just ONE week! That set up another buzz. Another sensation. And one would have though that they would find a way to patch it up or something but no way o.

I mean, the laws of res judicata and all the emotional estoppels demand that O'Baby should make restitution by at least returning the teddy to Prince abi? (OK. I'm not a lawyer but some Law students actually argued this). For where? O'Baby no gree o. In fact, she not only NOT return the teddy, she then went ahead to name it PRINCE!

O'Baby was C-R-U-E-L!

Moral of the story:
Never, ever buy a teddy bear for a babe. It may replace you.

*****************************************************************

This joke has probably been on the Internet like forever but its just what I'm talking about.

For the final test, the FBI agent took the first male applicant to a large, metal door and handed him a gun.

The Instructor said, “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!”

The Instructor said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second male applicant was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,

“I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The Instructor said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the female applicant’s turn. She was given the same instructions-to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, panting. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

“This stupid gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Remember? - 'Perry A' 1936 - 2000

2007-11-05T15:13:00.000+01:00

Your name was Peter but your friends called you 'Perry A'. I dont know what your enemies called you (you never introduced anybody to me as such.)

You would have been 71 today. And as usual, you would have celebrated it quietly. Stylishly. I was just wondering, if at that age you would really remember much.

Remember back then, how you would point at any words we see on the road and you would ask me to spell 'eat'? Billboards, kiosks, posters, anything? Remember how we would lie on the bed on Sundays and read all the Sunday newspapers together? Times, Punch, Tribune, Sketch, Concord, you always bought. (Later, you would not read anything except The Guardian). You would read one page and give it me and we went on and on like that until I fell asleep or we had to eat. We never went to church then!

Remember the first time I read Playboy? You said I should look at the words and not the pictures. I was ten or eleven. It was an interview with Sir Roger Moore. You knew I loved Roger Moore. You never liked him much. You always thought Sean Connery was the better Bond (and better actor). And we would argue. Maybe you were right after all. (Connery is still standing long after Moore had disappeared.) I wonder what you would have thought of Pierce Brosnan. And the new guy, Daniel Craig.

Every time you traveled you would buy me books. (OK maybe shoes once or twice). But you would buy shoes or clothes for everybody else - even the neighbors - and books for me. I often wondered if you really liked me. And you always bought packs and packs of Benson & Hedges for yourself. You always bought 'Made in England'. I believe you were probably their biggest customer ever. They even sent us cards and stuff from England every Christmas. Remember?

Remember when you got to know that I had started smoking. I just got into the university. You asked me why. And you said 'This thing will kill you. Maybe sooner. Maybe later, but it will kill you if you smoke it'. But you never stopped me. You never stopped me from doing anything. You only asked me why. And then you tell me about choices and their consequences. Choices and Consequences.

Remember the bad years? You called them The Seven Years of the Locust. It came with the military coup. Remember WAI? Remember how you had to go queue up to buy 'essenco' (Essential Commodities)? You would come back with soap, detergent, milk but always no toothpaste. And we would use Lux to brush our teeth. Or Imperial Leather. And use pako (chewing sticks) only on Saturdays.

Remember when I told you I wanted to leave school in order to help out by going to a more 'free education' school? (I was in boarding school and Mayflower was not cheap.) You cried. That was the first time I would see you cry. And you promised me that we would never have to leave school. None of us. No matter how bad it became. Even if you had to go begging to send us to school, you would. And you made me promise never to think of leaving school again. And I never did. Never.

You always had this thing for fitness. Your body was your greatest vanity. You wanted to stay young for ever. You made sure we bought and wore the same type of jeans and clothes? Remember when you came to see me in school and everybody in the department was asking if you were my brother? Other old guys would have come in agbada or even in suit, but you came in jeans! Remember?

Football was your passion. You would go on and on about your all-conquering Stationery Stores FC of the late '60s. About how you narrowly missed being in the '68 Olympic team because you had to go back to school. The first Nigerian team that 'almost' beat Brazil? We finally got relief when Kanu & co actually beat Brazil and actually went ahead to win gold. Remember?

Remember when the illnesses started? First it was the mild stroke. You had that sorted in no time. You just went in and out of hospital. But the cancer was a bastard. The doctor said the lungs were gone. Even though you had stopped smoking when you found ECKANKAR. But the lungs were gone. And you simply refused to fight it. You said there was no need. Choices and Consequences.

You moved into the hospital. For better care you said. But I knew you just didn't want to be a burden on anyone. You took over a private room and paid. Like moving into a hotel. You said if you had to go, then you would go in style. In style. It eventually took seven long months. Seven months like it would be tomorrow. Tomorrow. Always tomorrow.

Remember how we would talk for hours far into the night? We both knew there was no time. We talked about so many things. You told me about things that had happened even before I was born. About my mother. About the family. About the legend of Sekengbede. About my position in the family. And how important it was for me to succeed. You told me you were proud of me.

You moved your office to the hospital. Your famous drawing board and table. Your clients consulted with you there. You never wanted to be idle. You said your brain would still be working long after your heart had stopped beating. Remember?

The day eventually came. April 30. The doctor called me at the office. Come. That was all he said. I knew. It was in the middle of a fuel crisis. I wonder if you would remember that. But I do.

I remember you every time I look at Little Nimmo. He's just two but one could see he's an old soul in a new body. He uses both hands too, y'know. Just like you. And he always wants to draw 'Circles'. Circles. I wonder if I can be as good to him as you were to me.

I do remember, Perry. I remember you. Always.

My friend. My brother. My father.

Whose World Is It, Anyway?

2007-10-30T10:25:00.000+01:00

This post is actually my own comments/reaction to the posts by Laspapi, Tinuke, and Catwalq, I find it interesting that the usual scapegoats for this kind of forum are men. Meanwhile, the problem, as some people had already pointed out, is from other women.

Question: Who rules the world?

Answer: 80% of men agree that its the women. I still think only foolish men believe its a man's world. Remember the story of the head and the neck? For any woman out there who still believe that men rule the world, I say, talk to your mothers, they know better.

'The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world'. Read Chinweizu's 'Anatomy of Female Power' (still available on Amazon, I think).

The female of every kind is usually responsible for its organization into units etc. The male is just along for the ride (He is just 'organized' by a seemingly superior intelligence with or without his consent). Humankind is no different.

Women set up society for their own purposes and to perpetuate the matriarchal hegemony, it became necessary to set up a set of myths one of which is this myth of being the 'weaker' or 'fairer' sex as against the 'stronger' (read brutish) or 'unfairer' sex.

This imposes a burden on Man - poor Man - which he spends the whole of his earthly life trying to shake off but at every turn he is accused of being 'unfair'. Nothing he does is ever right. He has to deal with Woman on her moral high ground which she has set herself by virtue of being the 'victim' in every situation - even the ones she set up herself.

Question: Who set the rules?
Answer: Woman.

Lets take them one by one.

Virginity: Who complained most when Brave One in Catwalq's story married Lost Lady?

Go and check, it was his mother! OK and maybe his sisters. I am sure his father, the Church Elder would have relented eventually (men have a way of letting such things slide) but the poor man would have had no rest in the bedroom from his wife's constant nagging.

Polygamy: Who instituted polygamy? (I know some guys will go 'Men, abi?')

It was the women! With all the inter-tribal wars and sorts going on then, it was necessary to take care of the women who were widowed and the responsibility fell on the more aggressive males in the society who were usually already married. As man no be wood and woman sef no be stone, the practices were formalized and consummated by - you guessed right- stupid men!.

Question: And when a man's gra-gra is getting too much in the society, who takes care of him?
Answer: Women. Go and read Soyinka's 'The Lion and The Jewel' again and discuss what happened to Baroka in the hands of Sidi & the other women in not more than 3 words (He Gat Fcuked!). And did I say A-B-A-C-H-A?

All mammals have hymen one way or the other but a female gorilla that has never mated is not more valuable (holier) than the one that has ten mates. We humans have glorified virginity even to the level of godliness.

Make I no go yarn enter trouble before a fatwa is placed on my head. Let's just say that the Prophet (SAW) did not discount the advise of women in laying down the rules as we now know them - particularly those of his wife.

FGM: I was in Nairobi, Kenya earlier in the year and got talking with some ladies from East Coast - Kenya, Eritrea, Somalia, Uganda, Zambia and Tanzania - and we got talking about 'female circumcision' (an oxymoron, if you ask me).

My ears opened at that discussion! In parts of Somalia and Eritrea, circumcised females actually have their own cult! It was explained to them - by the older women- that that was their own way of equalizing the sexes.

Since men were circumcised, women too are circumcised. (NOTE: I used present tense). All the ladies with me from that side were circumcised. By choice.

Even the flesh cutting act itself is carried out by women.

Talking about cults. Practically everything I know about the Oro cult, I learnt from - guess - my mother! (My Papa na 'enlightened' Lagos man. He didn't know jack about such things).

The conversation ended something like this:

Nimmo: .. but Mama Nimmo, you're not supposed to know about this thing like this now. You are a woman.

Mama Nimmo: Sharrapyamouth! Omode nse e. Who do you think started the whole thing?

You. Answer the question.

If women do all these and more to themselves, why blame us men? Look, its bad enough that we are largely passengers (spectators) in your world but its not fair to be accused of everything that goes wrong.

You chop the yam finish, you take oil rub my lips and you accuse me of starving you.

Give us some slack. Please.

Happy New Year

2007-10-22T09:44:00.002+01:00

In ECKANKAR, Religion of the Light and Sound of GOD, today 22nd October marks the beginning of a new year. ECKists all over the world celebrate this day with acts of love and service to all they meet. This new year has been designated as The Year of Blessings.

For all of us who have been waiting on GOD for one form of blessing or the other -spiritual, material, etc.- This is our year.

May the love, wisdom, power and blessings of the One True GOD be with you and yours this day and all the year through.

May the blessings be. (Baraka Bashad)

Nimmo

Sweet Maria (or What Would My Boyfriend Do?)

2007-10-16T19:25:00.000+01:00

I was just about four months on my new job. I was the youngest Manager in a group of companies with interests in manufacturing, Oil & Gas and Consulting. But it was a one man business and many people could not understand why I would leave a multinational company for a one-man business. Me too.

I got a title. A big office. And in the time I had been there, by GOD's grace, there was a lot of improvement in the operations and turnover of the company. The MD would not stop boasting to everybody that I was worth every kobo spent to lure me to join the Group.

One morning, the MD called me to his office and there was the Head HR and another young lady of about 20 with him in the office. I knew she was his first daughter. I had heard about her. Her name was Maria. She was a final year student in UI and was home due to the ASUU strike. So?. Her Dad wants her to work while she's home and the factory would be her first port of call. OK.

Niceties over, I took her to the factory and simply handed her over to the Production Manager. Abi, what's my own? Na work I come work. Besides, na small girl. I see her around and of course we Hi, Hi but nothing really close.

The factory was about one kilometer away from the 'office' which was basically a duplex sharing a compound with another duplex where the MD lives with his family. The two buildings are separated by a wall and an interconnecting gate through which people pass from the 'house' to the 'office'.

One fine morning I was in the office alone (I usually get to the office very early. Allows me time to do some work before people come around), when Maria walked in. She was wearing this short, white terry robe and a pair of slippers. Short, as in just below the crotch!

Maria would not win many pageants in the face department but she got a body! And she had this milk chocolate skin (result of genetic combination from a Yoruba Dad and an Igbo Mum). The robe actually allowed 'maximum exposure'.

'Good Morning.'
'Good Morning, whats up?'
'Mummy says I should take her somewhere today so I will not be going to the factory and I want to have your permission.'
'Well, you will have to ask the PM not me.'
'Ah, but I cant wait for him to come. We will be leaving shortly.'
'So, you should have told him yesterday'
'I didn't know by then'
'Well I'm sorry I can't help you there'

Then she sidled over, holding my hand and pouting like you know how little girls do when they want something. Rubbing her chest on my hand. Or vice versa.
'Pleeeaaase nowwwww'
I stepped back and freed myself.
'Satan get thee behind me. Abi iru temptation wo leleyi? L'aro kutukutu? Alakoba omo.'

At that moment, I heard the door of the Head HR's office open down the hall, so I said
'OK. Go and tell HR. She would take care of it'

Sincerely, I didn't know what to make of that encounter. Was it a setup? Or just coincidence?

Fast forward a few weeks. I needed to attend the funeral of a friend's Dad in Ijebu-Ode and would be out of the office for a few days. I gave adequate notice to the MD. And I probably mentioned it to a few people. I was to leave on Thursday afternoon.

Tuesday afternoon, MD calls me and says 'Maria wants to go see some of her friends in Ijebu Ode but I'm afraid she doesn't know anywhere so please let her tag along with you and drop her on your way there. Oh, of course you can take my car and driver'.

How for do? Me wey no get motor before. The girl obviously had Daddy Dear wrapped around her little pinkie.

We left Lagos for I-Ode around noon. We were both seated at the back. Mr. Samson, the driver was doing his thing. All through the ride, she just leaned back with eyes closed like she was sleeping.

We get to the town center.

'OK, so where do you want to go?"
'I dont know'
'Where's your friends' addresses?'
'I dont have it'
'So how're you gonna locate your friends now?'
'I dont know'
'So what are you gonna do now?'
'Where are you staying?
Excuse me. Did you get my question? What has where I'm staying gotta do with this?
'OK. Where's Gateway Hotel?'
'Oh, is that where your friends stay? Or close by there?'
'No. Thats where I want to stay.'

Logic says: You dont have your friends' addresses. You dont know anybody in this town. You cant call anyone. (No GSM then). Its still daylight, you can go back to Lagos.
She says: I want to stay at the Gateway Hotel.

'Well, I understand the Gateway Hotel is pretty rundown by now (like all government things), I prefer the newer Yisade Hotel'. Me and my oversabi.
'So I will stay there too'. End of story.

We get to Yisade. Got rooms on the same floor. I got a double-room. (I always get a double room). She got a single. What about Mr. Samson? Really not my business. Right? At about 5pm, I was ready to attend the Wake Keeping, so I pop in to ask if she wants to come along. She agreed. We went.

We got back around 9pm and I went straight to my room. About 30 minutes later, there was a knock on my door. I was in shorts and a tee shirt. She was standing there in the same terry robe. Carrying her bag.

'I gave my room to Mr. Samson. I couldn't leave him to sleep in the car. So we will have to share for tonight. Tomorrow, we will sort it out.'

Something in the way she said it just didn't gel. Then it hit me! All the moves. All the shakara. She had no friends in Ijebu Ode. No addresses. It was all a setup. She was right where she wanted. And she had me right where she wanted me.

OK Now. Me sef no dey carry last. I had been in Mugu mode all along. Sharp sharp I switched into Playa mode. No be say I no sabi. I was just respecting my old age. I had just come out of a relationship that ended rather untidily and I didn't want any further complications.

She swayed into the room and sat down on the bed.

'What is it? Are you afraid to share?'. Patting the bed beside her.
'Not really. Just wondering what your boyfriend would say to all these.' Try this. It works.
'All what?'. Coy smile playing on her lips
'All these sleeping on the same bed with another guy.'

Her next question stumped me.

'If you were my boyfriend, what would you do?'

In one quick step, I was standing beside her and she seemed to rise up simultaneously to meet me. We were like a whirlwind.

Lips found each other. She had full, wide lips. Hands groping. Seriously searching. Trying to touch every part of the other. The terry robe went first. And her body could be summed up in one word. Pubescent. Puppy fat everywhere. She had rather large breasts - soft, firm globes and wide hips Why hadn't I seen all these before?

After the initial flurry, I noticed a hesitation about her. Was she going to change her mind? . I pushed slightly and she laid back on the bed as I kissed her all over; claiming the territory. What was that look in her eyes?

I kissed her eyes, her lips, her breasts, her stomach and the thatched, slightly bulging mound between her thighs. She squirmed. I kissed her up and I kissed her down. She looked up at me with such liquid eyes. She looked lost. Then I understood why.

She was a virgin!

She had set me up to be her first!

To Write Or Not To Write? That Is The Question.

2007-10-15T18:24:00.000+01:00

I am sorry I have been off-base for some time now (which is my perfect excuse for not updating). More importantly, I have been thinking about this blog thing. What to write. What not to write. Where to start. Where to draw the line. etcetera.

I am a very good reader. In fact, I read anything. I am the guy who buys akara Ten Naira and keeps the newspaper wrapping to read later. I read billboards, posters, road signs, prescriptions (My Doctors have stopped trying to take anything past me. I can read any handwriting), anything . The guy you see driving slowly on 3rd Mainland bridge would probably be me reading the new billboards. Or on Kingsway Road, Ikoyi.

But when it comes to writing, I am probably the laziest writer in the world. Thats why good writers fascinate me. I still dey carry yansh for bloggers like BimbyLads (my blog inspiration y'all know by now). ONB (writes seemingly effortlessly). There's a centered calmness in the writings of da Queen (QoMC) and Tee Diva writes about sex like its a kinda holy ritual. Catwalq is one of those people who seem to write straight from the heart (like the thing just dey flow into the PC). Atutupoyoyo (damn good writer); Porter de Harcourt writes what I call PROSETRY. You need a special kind of knowledge of Yorunglish to write like Her Lyrical Badness, the Chairlady.

What about Toyin Tomato? 36 Inches? O.seyi? ExSchoolNerd (XSN)? Jaja? Mrs. Somebody? The Last King? Kokolette? Mr. Fineboy (Excuse me while I laugh). It takes a special skill to be able to write about nothing in general and everything in particular. People like me cant seem to write without a subject and even at that paapaa na wahala.

My main girl CWB (aka CGP aka NGGG) and Ubong Da, you know why I kept you till last? I just want to be like you guys when I grow up. These two people don corrupt me for my wife finish ehn? But how does one get to write about stuff without actually getting in your own way? I try to write stuff but I end up editing it all away. Talk about self censorship.

I am trying to develop a style of writing and I will be asking you guys to help me as time goes on.

What to write.
I will be rather random in my blogging. I will write about whatever catches my fancy. Its all about me right? I will write about stuff I had done and some I still do and I will do so as I remember/recall them (as per old age now).

What not to write
As I told you, I am married. I will not write about what I do with my wife. E no concern you.

When to write
As the Spirit directs ....

I must thank all those who have been encouraging me (e.g. CWB), threatening me (e.g. CWB) and even abusing me (Ndi Anonymous on other blogs) to update. What can I do without you guys?

Nimmo

PS. Is it only me or does anyone else notice a similarity in the writing styles of Waffarian and CWB? Is it the Waffy connection or what?

A to Z of Me

2007-10-05T10:36:00.001+01:00

Those who know me know that I dont like talking about myself. I can talk about what I do/did/done but rarely about myself. My mother says mo d'inu - cant say it in English - but like won ni lati te ikun e ki oro to j'ade (they have to press my stomach to get words out of me).

My father said I had the mentality of a secret agent. Blame him. From a very early age, I had read all the Ian Fleming, Arthur Conan Doyle, James Hadley Chase, Nick Carter, Alistair Maclean, Mario Puzo and others in his library and I almost always identified with the bad guys. I called myself The Dark Agent. In fact at some point, my favorite quote was "If I told you that, I would have to kill you". I actually said that to my Dad. Walahi.

I stole this A-Z meme from Mrs. Somebody's blog. Well I guess it was a tag. I think we are alike as I seem to agree with some of her answers (except the ekpang nkukwo bit). I will try to answer the ones I can. So listen very carefully, I shall say this only once...

Accent: None. (Have been accused of all sorts of things over this. Once detained at the Togolese border for 'NOT talking like a Nigerian')

Booze: Strong H2O - does that count? I drink it everyday.

Chore I Hate: Cant really think of one.

Dogs/Cats: Cats

Essential electronics: Laptop, phone.

Favourite Perfume: Davidoff Cool Water

Gold/Silver: Gold

Hometown: Lagos

Insomnia: Sometimes

Job title: Business Development Manager

Kids: 1 son

Living arrangements: Flat

Most admired trait: Smile

Number of sexual partners: Currently?.....One.

Overnight hospital stays: Yes

Phobia: Brokaphobia

Quote: "Dieu est donc moi suis""GOD is therefore I am" - Me

Religion: Eckankar

Siblings: 5 (3 brothers, 2 sisters )

Time I usually awake: About 5 a.m

Unusual talent: I can break anything down to the basics. I hardly ever forget names.

Vegetable I refuse to eat: Cant think of any.

Worst habit: Procrastination, biting and chewing my finger nails

X-rays: Several

Yummy foods I make: Coconut rice, Ewa agonyin, Moi-moi

Zodiac sign: Leo (28th July)

Now that you know ALL about me, I guess I have to kill you.

Dark Agent. Out.

Nimmo

So Much Things to Say..

2007-10-04T14:29:00.000+01:00

'I can never forget -no way - dey crucified Jeh-sos Christ!
I can never forget -no way- dey sold Marcus Garvey for rice!
Dont you forget -no use- who you are and where you stand in the struggle.
Hey, we gat so much things to say right now, (we gat) so much things to say.

Okay. That was Bob Marley. I always wondered what crucifying Jeh-sos Christ got to do with selling Marcus Carvey for rice but I guess its all about the rhyme. Not about the reason, just the rhyme. And yes, I gat so much to say but I dont know where to start.

Question. Who send me sef? Abi na by force to blog?
Answer: Thank you o, na so dem dey ask person. No blame me o. Na jeje jeje I siddon for my house (a la K-1), my wife (Yes, I'm married. See my ring) had bought a copy of the True Love magazine and there was the picture of dis cutie dem call BimbyLads. Of all the bloggers profiled,na she just cash me pass, so the next day, I went to her site and read everything she had ever written (I'm still reading o. Dat girl can write.)

From BimbyLads, I got introduced to all the other Naija bloggers and I kept reading and reading. Then I read Ubong Da and I couldn't help leaving a comment. And then, I thought 'Hey, I can do this!". And then, I come and resolve to start a blog. And then, I come and start looking for a blog name. And I come and decide on N.I.M.M.O. Then, I come and start and register. Then, I come and start. And then, I come and have writer's block. And then, I come and meet all these wonderful peeps who keep urging me on (Edumare bless una jare). And then, I come and become the favourite blog of the Anonymous Community (Ndi Anonymous) on Blogland (they cant touch this). And then, and then, and then... are you still reading?

I'll be back!

Nimmo

Writer's Block Already??

2007-09-21T14:54:00.000+01:00

I dont know what write. After all the preparations; all the blog layout adjustments, all the resolutions etc.

I just came up EMPTY! Na so dis thing hard?

I had everything I wanted to write. Scratch that. I thought I had everything i wanted to write.

Anyways....

Nimmo